


Wish I Had a River

by irmakkockan



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Break Up, Demisexual Neil Josten, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Loves Neil Josten, Getting Back Together, Jealous Andrew Minyard, M/M, Neil Josten is Angry, Neil Josten is Moving On, Neil Josten is a Mess, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Protective Andrew Minyard, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:54:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29489370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irmakkockan/pseuds/irmakkockan
Summary: Andrew broke up with Neil as soon as he graduated and moved to New York.Neil was heartbroken, but life goes on.Four years later, Neil thinks he is finally moving on.So, when Andrew shows up unannounced in his city, finds a spot on his team and calls him 'Junkie', everything gets complicated.
Relationships: Neil Josten & Allison Reynolds, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Original Character(s)
Comments: 235
Kudos: 374





	1. This is Nice

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to [@erosandhades](/users/erosandhades/) and SeasonalStress because they are perfect and beta'd someone they've never met before. I just approached them with sweet talk (In Neil: I asked) and totally fooled them into working with me. Ha! But all mistakes are mine. All perfection belongs to them. So here is my first fic for this fandom! Go easy on me. Enjoy!
> 
> Title from “River” by Robert Downey Jr. (or Joni Mitchell).  
> 

Practice was thankfully over. Neil quickly walked into the locker room, grabbed his clothes, and went straight to the showers. Even the hot stream of water was not able to unclench and relax his muscles. He shuddered whenever the images of the nightmare flashed through his mind, of Nathan and Lola and Baltimore.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” asked James, with a little smile that showcased his dimples.

Neil never noticed things like dimples. Never had. Well, he knew they existed, but he didn’t _notice_ them. The only things he had ever noticed were Andrew’s hazel eyes, his hair in the wind, and the minuscule twirl of his lips when amused. So yeah, he never seemed to notice dimples on other people’s cheeks. Until now.

“Um. No. I’m fine,” Neil had been distracted all day and James had noticed. He always did. After three years of exposure to Neil’s rough edges and smart mouth, James was attuned to Neil’s ups and downs.

“Oh, okay. I just wanted to make sure,” said James, his hand hovering over Neil’s shoulder. He didn’t touch Neil but he did not move his hand either. 

Neil raised his eyebrow, “Now, I believe that _you_ have something to talk about, is that right Olson?” he asked with a mischievous smile, it was almost flirty. Fuck. Where did this smile come from?

“Heh,” James laughed unconvincingly, “Well, okay, I… I just, um, I just wanted to see if you wanted to do something together later? Dinner, perhaps?”

Every one of the Foxes had told Neil that he was oblivious. Even Neil himself knew that. However, this time, he felt a slight increase in his heartbeat. He knew why James stuttered. He knew what James was really asking. And he knew it because he and James didn’t ask if they wanted to hang out like this anymore. They just did, all very casual and easy. James would sleep on Neil’s couch on Friday nights, Neil would pick him up on Sundays for brunch with Matt and Josh, their captain. James has been good to Neil, with James and Matt ever-present, Neil felt at home with the Hawks.

This time, James’ tone was different. Even if it weren’t a real date, this “doing something together” thing would be the closest thing to a date he had ever been, Neil realized. Lately, he had noticed that James has been looking at him very differently. There was this blackness in his eyes, like his pupils were blown wide, and it was almost like Andrew’s… Well, this wasn’t a road Neil was willing to go down right now. However, he had been noticing James _more_ as well. The way the light sometimes hit his green eyes and brought out the honey-colored spots, how his muscles flexed during practice, and how his towel hung low on his hips after showering. Yeah, perhaps there was a similar blackness in his own eyes, as well.

But Neil didn’t swing. He didn’t do dates. He _obviously_ didn’t feel that much about…

“Yeah, sure,” Neil said suddenly, his voice a pitch higher, surprising both himself and James.

They stared at each other, no words necessary. Yet the air was heavy and small breaths were the only sounds that could be heard in the locker room.

Neil hasn't felt like this, since… Well, it has been for more than four years now. His heart ached just a little bit at this thought, though not as badly as it did before. Now it felt more like a familiar phantom pain of an old wound. And Neil knew how those worked. All wounds healed. Some required just a little more time, and perhaps some affection to get there. He lowered his eyes and shifted from one foot to another. A moment passed. What was happening?

James cleared his throat. Neil looked at him again, and _fuck this shit_ , he hasn't been able to look away from James for just a while now, hasn't he? He was surprised to find James smiling at him, his green eyes glinting with mischievous lights. 

“Perfect,” said James, his hand reaching out to touch Neil’s arm, without hesitation this time, “I’ll pick you up at seven then?” His fingertips caressed his skin so slowly that Neil didn't know whether he was imagining it or not.

“Yeah, yep, sure. You know where I live. You’ve been there. Many times, now. Heh. Yeah,” Neil blushed, his cheeks turning bright red. James looked at him, his smile widening, eyes turning even brighter. God, this was humiliating. 

“Yes, Neil, I know where you live. I’ve been there many times now. I’ll ring you when I arrive, okay? Perhaps we might want to Uber though. We could maybe share a bottle of Chardonnay, no?” James nudged Neil’s shoulder, “I know it’s your favorite.”

Was it possible for Neil to blush even harder? Apparently so.

James snorted lightly, “Neil,” he said slowly, moving a little closer into Neil’s personal space. Neil used to hate feeling others this close to him, able to smell their cologne and feel the heat radiating off their bodies… He used to, right? Fuck. _Fuck_.

“Neil,” James tried again under his breath, “It’ll be fun.”

Neil’s confusion and stress melted away slowly. James has always been able to do that. Just like And-

Yeah, _anyway_. He smiled.

“I know, James. It’s always fun with you.”

Neil waved ( _waved_? What the fuck was that?) and left James in the locker room alone. On his way to his car, Neil fumbled in his pocket for his phone. 

“Allison,” he almost whined into the speaker, “Need urgent help. Yes, clothes. What? Allison, you know I don’t understand you half of the time when you speak _fashion_.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. Perhaps he should have taken a breather before calling Allison. Everything was just so overwhelming right now.

“Yes, I think I’m going on a date. No, it’s not someone new. It’s… It’s…” Neil stammered, “It’s James.”

Allison’s squeak almost caused Neil to drop his phone, “Neil, this is perfect. I knew it. Another bet closed! Wait until Dan hears this. Oh, this is so exciting! Neil? Neil? You there? Speak; you small, sexy, seductive devil! Is there anyone immune to your charms?”

Neil knew that he had to wait for Allison to get it all out. There was no point in replying because Allison would just talk over him.

“Wait, Neil, you’re totally doing this willingly, right? Oh, my God. Your demi is showing, baby boy.”

“Jesus, Allison,” Neil frowned, “well, I’m not sure how I feel about it, but, yeah, it’s fine, I think.”

“Oh, it is fine, Neil. Just, _fine_. James, that is. Those green eyes. Ugh. Even I wanna lick those dimples.”

“Allison! Just stop, please. I only wanted to ask you what to wear, God, you make me regret calling you,” Neil grimaced as he arrived at his car.

“Jeez, easy, baby boy. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’ll help. I already know the perfect outfit, because I was the one who bought it for you. Neil, tell me, what would you do without me? Hmm? Hmm?”

“Alright, alright, Ally. Thanks. I’m going home now. See you in an hour?” 

Neil drove home slowly, noticing something akin to butterflies fluttering in his stomach. This was James. James always listened, made him laugh and feel at ease; their interactions were never forced, conversations never boring. James was interesting. Neil was _interested_. They have been building this friendship for a while now. They trusted each other.

Yeah, Neil’s demi was definitely showing.

* * *

“This is nice,” Nicky gushed, rolling his eyes in response to Andrew’s glare. “But, Andrew! Look at us! It’s almost like we are adults! Two cousins, going out, eating, and dare I say, _conversing_ perhaps?” he chuckled.

“We are adults, Nicky,” said Andrew while looking at the menu, as if he didn't know what to get. He ordered the same thing all three times he’d been here. His taste buds deserved the best, and the best lasagna in the city was here, at Mario’s. Sure, he had just moved and settled into his apartment in only two weeks, but how could one really be settled until they knew all the best restaurants around?

“Conversing might be a bit of a stretch, though,” Andrew’s expression was flat, “I’d rather enjoy a comfortable silence, which I know is impossible with you.”

“Andrew, if you wanted silence you wouldn’t have invited me,” Nicky replied with an easy smile as he looked through the menu as well.

“I didn’t invite you, you invited yourself.”

“You mentioned that you wanted dinner, you were going to Mario’s at 9, and that you were alone. Come on, this is an invitation in ‘Andrew-speak’ if I’ve ever seen one.”

“Whatever,” Andrew said, ending the conversation. “Choose. Now. We’ll order.”

When Nicky stayed silent for a few minutes, which was hours in Nicky’s parameters, Andrew raised his eyes from the menu and looked at him. Nicky's face was troubled, he was looking over Andrew’s shoulder, his lips forming a hard line.

“Nicky?” Andrew asked, an eyebrow raised. “You okay?”

Nicky turned suddenly to Andrew, feigning innocence, trying to smile. “Oh, yeah, sure. Fine. It’s just…” his eyes looked away for a second again, then returned, “It’s just, you know what? Um, no, I’m not fine really. My stomach. Andrew, I think, um, it’s stomach flu or something.”

“Do you need to go to the restroom?” Andrew was getting worried; a flustered Nicky was never a good sign.

“Oh, no, no! Can we just go home? Ple- I mean, let’s just go home, okay?” said Nicky almost petulantly. “I’ll just feel better if we’re home and close to our own bathroom. Well, your bathroom, obviously.”

Andrew sighed, “Sure. I’ll just order something to go, is that fine?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just be quick.”

When Andrew started looking around to find a waiter, Nicky tried to gain his attention, “Oh, Andrew, perhaps we should just…”

It was too late.

Andrew had already seen those unruly auburn curls falling over the icy blue eyes. Too familiar scars covering those now pink flushed cheeks. Full lips curved into a fond smile Andrew knew very well, so different from the Butcher’s grin or the loving one that appeared too easily whenever the Foxes were around. No, it was the one only Andrew knew. It was, - well, it used to be - only for Andrew. Now it was for _James fucking Olson_ , the other starting striker for the Hawks, apparently.

“Fuck,” Andrew said slowly, turning around. His indifferent facade had almost cracked, and Nicky was looking at him so intently that Andrew just wanted to punch the pathetic pity off his cousin’s face.

“Let’s go, Andrew,” Nicky said sadly, and Andrew decided to stab him, just a little. Nothing fatal. Too bad he didn’t carry his knives with him anymore. Without Neil, less trouble found him nowadays. Fuck. _Neil_.

"No stomach flu, then?" Andrew asked and Nicky shrugged a shoulder uncomfortably. “I’m not leaving, Nicky. There's no reason to.” Andrew added.

When Nicky started whining, Andrew warned him, “Drop it. I said we're not leaving.” 

“But, Neil…” Nicky pointed at Neil and Andrew smacked his hand.

“Nicky,” Andrew looked at his cousin sharply, “Yes, it’s Neil. It doesn’t matter. You can go say hi, if you want to. But I don’t wanna disturb them,” he said, his voice cracking on the last word, shocking both of them.

Andrew coughed unconvincingly. “We’ll just order and have a _great_ night. It really doesn’t matter. You know this. Nicky. Listen. I would have just seen him in a few weeks. Now or later doesn’t matter really. I’m here to stay, you know,” He nodded at his own words as if they made everything he was feeling more bearable.

“Andrew… Um, but it looks like…. The guy… They are, oh, nothing is happening, of course, just, they look, um, cozy?” Nicky shook his head slowly, staring back at Neil once more, and then turned to the waiter who had suddenly appeared next to their table. Huh. Andrew didn’t even notice.

They both ordered and Andrew was seventy-five percent sure that he ordered the Chef’s Special Lasagna, but his mind was kind of a mess right now. All memories started coming back, and fuck his eidetic memory, they were all bright red and blue. He could almost smell the cigarette smoke, see the view from the roof, feel the vibrations of Eden’s music in his bones. He could hear the little moans and gasps escaping from a mouth kissed and bitten. He could feel the different shapes of scars and burns under his fingertips.

“Anyway,” Nicky said suddenly, bringing Andrew back to the restaurant, “are you seeing anybody?” Nicky cringed at his own, ill-timed question.

“I don’t see people, Nicky. I fuck them,” Andrew answered.

“Good to know nothing’s changed, then,” a voice too familiar quipped behind Andrew, and Nicky’s eyes almost popped out from his sockets. 

“Hi, Nicky. Andrew. Long time no see,” said Neil, almost nonchalantly.

Andrew turned back slowly, his eyes taking in Neil from bottom to top, his eyes finally meeting Neil’s. Hazel crashing into the icy blue once again. _At long last_ , was the only thought in Andrew’s mind. 

* * *

“This is nice,” Neil smiled, “I mean, I’ve only ordered take-out from here. Never really came to the restaurant. The lasagna is divine.” He was talking nonsense now.

James was sitting next to him on the table and not across, so their knees were almost touching. They always sat across each other, you know, like normal friends. And now they were very, very close. Neil took in a deep breath.

James chuckled. “I know you like Mario’s, Neil. We even ordered from here last week, remember?”

Neil just nodded, not looking at James.

“Okay, why are you so stressed out?” James asked. “Am I making you uncomfortable or something?”

“No! No, of course not. It’s just, you know.”

“What? I don’t know, Neil,” James sounded amused, “It’s just, what?”

Neil blushed yet again, but he wasn’t going to back up now. He rolled his eyes at James, “Well, it’s rather different than all the times we hung out, isn’t it? I mean, first of all, you obviously clean up well, Olson.”

James laughed, “Thanks, Josten. You aren’t that bad, yourself.” Then he leaned in slowly, “I wanted this to be smoother, but you just forced my hand, Neil. I think you look really, _really_ handsome. Striking, even.”

“Wow. Bold words. Thanks, James. But let’s just keep Exy out of the conversation, shall we?”

“Jesus, Neil. Even dad jokes are becoming on you,” James laughed again, making Neil feel all warm inside.

“I agree to one date and you just go in with all you have now, huh?”

“So _now_ you understand that this is a date. Color me impressed. I just remembered Michael’s face when he saw me going into the restaurant with you. He was so angry.”

Neil grimaced. “I’d only spoken to him once before, James. Once. And you were right next to me when he asked. How was I supposed to know that he was asking me on a date?”

When James didn’t reply and looked a little guilty, Neil asked, “Wait. Did you know that it was meant to be a date?”

James just nodded. That fucker.

“And what? You didn’t mention anything to me, and you even came along,” Neil said, smug and amused, “were you trying to sabotage my date, Olson?”

James’ eyes were warm. “Of-fucking-course, Neil.” A soft smile spread across his face and those fucking dimples appeared again. “Fuck Michael and his terrible stories about all the celebrities he’d met. Fuck his hand trying to touch your back when we left the restaurant. Fuck his lingering eyes on your gorgeous lips. Fuck. Him.”

Neil was at a loss for words. He gulped down his wine, looking into James’ eyes. They were really, really a beautiful shade of green. 

“Was that too much, Neil? Did I frighten you with my enthusiasm?” James grinned.

“To be honest, I really didn’t expect you to convey such strong feelings for, um, _Michael_ , on the first date, James.” When James looked deflated, Neil added quickly, “But, yeah, uh, this is the date I’d rather be on.”

“Thank fuck.”

“Let’s fucking order, then.”

“I heard that the lasagna is fucking delicious, Neil.”

“It fucking better be, James. After all, this is the fucking restaurant you chose.”

They both smiled conspiratorially, with a little nervous tension hanging over their table, as if they both didn't know how to continue with the conversation. The waiter rescued them, taking their orders, and refilling their empty glasses.

“So, Neil,” James tilted his neck, looking at Neil with steady eyes, “I’ll just be honest. I was attracted to you the first time I saw you. But I didn't become friends with you to seduce you.” Neil chuckled tensely and James continued. “Our friendship is really important to me, and I’d never do anything to jeopardize it. But that being said,” his gaze was piercing, “I really like you, and I’d like to date you. And see where this goes. If that’s also what you want. I also know you and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or just say yes because you think it’d hurt me or our friendship or whatever. Say yes if you want it, too, Neil.”

Neil did not really hesitated to say, “Yes, James. Let’s see where this goes.”

* * *

They ordered dessert, strawberry ice cream, and James was a perfect gentleman. They had so much fun and laughed so hard that Neil almost fell from his chair. James helped him and then rested his arm around the back of Neil’s chair, making them sit even closer. Their thighs had been already touching for a while now.

Neil suddenly felt very hot. He didn’t know whether it was because of the feeling of James’ breath so close to him, or it was because he could feel a couple of wandering eyes looking directly at them. He looked around, forcing himself to relax, and suddenly saw two very familiar figures sitting a few tables away from them.

When Neil’s shoulders immediately tensed, James leaned back in his chair, removing his arm from Neil’s. Neil turned to James slowly and gave him a smile that didn't reach his eyes. James suddenly looked worried.

“Is everything okay?” James asked.

“Yeah. It’s just, I saw some people that I know.”

“Oh,” James just nodded, “Are you worried that they’d see you? Um. Or that they’d see me with you?” he asked, his voice small.

“James. No. It’s just…” Neil slowly pointed to Nicky and Andrew’s table with a small nod of his head, “It’s Nicky and… Andrew, I think. I think I saw the armbands. I’m not sure.” He wasn’t going to look again.

James looked at the direction Neil pointed, obviously irritated. “Yeah, it’s Andrew. He’s wearing armbands.” He sighed, “Fuck.”

They both sat silently, not looking at each other, all the fun and joy vanishing from the conversation.

“James…” Neil said slowly, “I’m just surprised to see them. That’s all. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Neil, you don’t have to say that,” James shrugged unhappily, “you don’t owe me an explanation. I know what Andrew,” his voice turned almost venomous at the mention of the blond man’s name, “means to you. Meant to you. I’m not bothered by it. You're here, with me. And you’ll still be with me the next time we go on a date.” He shrugged again, this time more convincingly. A small smile spread across his face. “Oh, by the way, I’ll take you to that date tomorrow.”

Neil couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah. I think I’ll cook for you. How about that?”

Fuck. It was a different kind of invitation and Neil knew that. He’d been to James’ house, many times now, but this time the circumstances were obviously different. Now there would be _expectations_. Right now, all Neil thinking was _run, run, run_ but he just couldn't do that to James. 

“Yeah,” Neil said slowly, “I’d like that, James.”

James only smiled with a little more confidence now, before returning his attention to the ice cream.

Neil was sure that Nicky had seen him. There was a solemn expression on his face and Andrew’s shoulders were tense. After all this time, he could still read Andrew like an open book. Suddenly he decided to face his anxiety head-on. 

“James, I think I’ll just go and say hi. Is that okay?” He wasn't really asking but acknowledging that James’ feelings were important to him. James wasn’t the guy to try to forbid Neil from going, or anything. Well, he could always try but aggressive approaches didn't fly well with Neil, now, did they?

James just gave him a small grimace. “Sure,” he said, “I’ll just stay here and do a mental grocery list for tomorrow. Um,” he hesitated before continuing, straightening his shoulders, “say hi to Andrew for me. Be sure to mention my last two goals. That should do the trick.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Very mature, Olson. Very mature.”

And then, Neil left to face the man he most dreaded to see in person and not behind a visor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Neil would always use people's names with emphasis in conversations. This is the hill I will die on.


	2. The Elephant in the Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil is frustrated and James is confused.  
> Matt gives Andrew a piece of his mind, but to no avail.

“He moved here, Allison. He’s joining the Hawks for fuck’s sake!” Neil cried out, punching the orange pillow on his couch.

“Calm down, honey. Please.” Allison looked worried.

“I am calm. I’m just angry. Why did he come here? Why am I going to have be on the same team with him? He left me, Allison. Why did he have to come?” Neil whined.

Allison pursed her lips. “Well, I talked to Kevin before I came here.”

Neil snapped his head towards her. “What? Why? What did he say? Why didn’t I think about calling him?” Neil just could not shut up.

“Um, he told me that there were a few teams that were interested in Andrew - even the Rebels wanted him. Kevin said he tried to talk him into joining his team, but he chose to be traded here.” Allison rolled her eyes. “Pathetic, much?”

“What?” Neil stared at Allison; his jaw dropped. “But why? Well, I can get that we are a great team. Our goalie will retire soon. And obviously, none of us wants to be in the same team with Kevin again. Ugh. I just don’t wanna face him every day.” He plopped on the couch, pouting, before he remembered something and lifted his torso as he supported himself by his elbows, “Hey, what did you mean by ‘pathetic’?” he frowned at Allison.

“Isn’t it obvious, baby? He wants you back. Well, he is new here, after all. How would he find someone else to take him for all the fucked-up mess that he is, in such a short time?” Allison said, disgusted.

“What? Yeah, Allison, sure. He wants me back so bad that he didn’t talk to me for over four years now, did not mention coming here, did not tell me that he was being traded and he looked like he saw a ghost when I approached them yesterday. Yeah, totally.”

“Neil, baby boy, honey, angel… He told you he hated you as a way of flirting.”

“Allison, he told me I was nothing and there wasn’t any 'us'. I’d really thought it was his way of saying he loved me. But he fucking dumped me. I was really nothing, Allison. Just a notch under the belt. Fuck. He still gets under my skin. _Fuuuuckkk_.”

Neil buried his face in his hands as he sat fully on the couch again, “And now there’s James…” He looked at Allison pleadingly, “I should tell him about Andrew coming here, right? I mean it’s better if he hears it from me. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him yesterday.” Neil sighed yet again, “when I returned to our table, I was so nervous that he slowly asked for the check, paid for everything because ‘he was the one that asked me out on a date’, did not even look at Andrew, and just dropped me home. It was terrible Allison! Terrible! I ruined this, too!” He was just blabbering now. “Should I just cancel our date tonight? Hmm? What do you think? Allison, say something!”

“Oh, my God, Neil. Stop with the self-pity, already! It doesn't suit you,” Allison rolled her eyes but she looked kind of shocked at Neil’s reaction to everything. Still, she looked as composed as ever on her heels, sitting with her ankles crossed on the other side of Neil’s couch.

“Just tell me, what should I do?” Neil pleaded.

“Neil, these are very different issues, and you're handling them as if they are the same. You like James and he likes you,so just go on a date. No big deal. Why are you putting Andrew between you and James if you’re over him?” When Neil gave Allison a pained look, Allison almost winced, “Oh, come on, don’t tell me you’re not over him, please. I don’t want to know. Seriously.”

“I am over him.” Neil paused, “I am. I think. No, I am. I am. Am I, Allison? _Fuck._ ”

“Neil. Stop. Let’s just rewind, okay? I knew you liked James even before you knew, which is not that big of a shock, honestly. You talked about his fucking eyes all the time. ‘ _Oh, this shirt is perfect. It’s the same color as James’ eyes. They're just, so green, Allison, but not murky green like Kevin’s, more like an endless forest._ ’ You wrote fucking poems for his eyes over a shirt. You like him, Neil. Don't compare him with Andrew.”

“Jesus,” Neil leaned back to the couch. “I just can’t do slow and casual, can I? It’s either ‘I don’t know who you are, leave me alone’ or ‘Fuck me until I forget my name.’”

“Neil!” Allison laughed, “Jeez, calm the fuck down, you’re just going on a second date with a guy you kind of like. You’re not asking his hand for marriage. Although,” she flashed an almost evil grin, “please talk more about how you’d like him to fuck you to death. I’ve never thought I’d see the day that you were corrupted, baby boy.”

Neil snorted, “Yeah, okay. You're right. Andrew being here doesn't mean anything. Well, it is great for the team, obviously. His stats are even better…”

“Neil.”

“Oh, yeah. Fuck. This is why he left me, Ally. I just couldn’t stop talking about Exy.”

“He is a pro Exy player, Neil. You're a pro Exy player as well, or did you forget? You don't need to stop talking about Exy. It’s not your fault that he is a shitty human being who played you, and then dropped you when it suited him.”

“It’s not like that…” Neil rolled his eyes, but _damn,_ it hurt to think about what happened between him and Andrew.

“It is like that, Neil. Acknowledge the fucking truth. He played you because he knew that you had already fallen for him. His ‘nothing’s were said to intentionally hook you in. He knew that. He hooked up with you and yes, protected you because you were ‘his’, whatever that means.”

When Neil tried to object, Allison raised a hand, palm up, shushing him. “Kevin was also ‘his’, Neil. He sees people as ‘things’. Creepy. Anyway. What I'm saying is, he knew that you’re demi and felt deeply about him but he used it and just let you go when he moved to the big city. Do not _ever_ feel sorry for him about ‘how he's misunderstood,’” She did the gesture of quotation marks with her hands, and she looked into his eyes, to make sure that he was paying attention. And he was. Fuck, he wanted to believe what she was saying so bad, “He fucking isn't. And don't feel sorry for yourself, either, because damn, you dodged a bullet, in my opinion.”

Neil didn’t answer. He just looked away, to the Chicago skyline through his ceiling-high windows.

Allison’s voice was very soft this time, “Neil. I won't talk about the Monster anymore. There is a fucking hot guy who is cooking for you right now. And not just any guy. He is one of your good friends. He is gorgeous and fucking hilarious. Even I like to hang out with him. He says ‘fuck’ a lot. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll act on it. Go and enjoy your date. It doesn’t have to be anything. But it has nothing to do with the other things that are going on right now. It’s just you and James. You’ll handle other issues when you have to. Okay, baby boy?”

Neil opened his arms and hugged Allison slowly at first, before tightening his arms around her when she hugged him back. He kissed her cheek, once, and then again. “I love you, Ally. Thanks. You're the greatest,” he said with an endearing smile.

Allison chuckled, her eyes glistening with tears, “Yeah, yeah. I love you, too, honey. Now go get ya’ man!”

* * *

“Neil.”

“James.”

“Let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we?”

“Wow. You invited me. You fed me. Now you’re insulting me? Not smooth, Olson.”

“ _Neil_.”

“ _James_.”

“Okay. I’ll just ask. Andrew.”

“Andrew?”

“Andrew.”

“James, why are you ruining this great night?”

“Neil, I could hear you thinking even from the kitchen. You aren't uncomfortable, but you aren't relaxed either. Um, this doesn’t have to be a date, you know. We could just talk.”

“Do we need to change the nature of our arrangement to talk about something?”

“What the fuck does ‘the nature of our arrangement’ mean, Neil?”

“It was a joke.”

“It’s not funny. You need to understand me. I feel like you’re being forced to be here.”

“When do I do what I’m forced to do, James?”

“Jesus. Neil. Please.”

“Okay. Okay. Sorry. Yes, you are right. I was planning to talk to you either way. I’m kind of confused right now. Well, not confused but anxious, perhaps. Angry even. Andrew was apparently traded to the Hawks, James. He’ll join us next month. It bothers me.”

“….”

“Not because of what you are thinking. But, would you like it if your ex just showed up on our line-up? It’s just distasteful. It has nothing to do with us. It doesn’t change anything. I just learned about it yesterday. It’s fucked-up.”

“Yesterday?”

“Yeah.”

“When you talked to them?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“James. Let’s not do this. I’m telling you right now, when we’re together, alone, in a much more relaxed setting.”

“… Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Um, Neil? Do you want to stop doing this?”

“What, James?”

“This ‘dating’ charade that has been very unsuccessful from the start.”

“’Charade’? What the fuck, James?”

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just disappointed and taking it out on you.”

“Yeah, I expected more from you.”

“Fuck. Neil. What I actually meant was, now I know that Andrew's coming. They’re not going to be the prettiest of the weeks for you going forward, apparently. I can give you some space… To deal with your, um, history with Andrew without my intervention and once you feel relaxed and settled… Yeah. We’ll see.”

“James.”

“Ugh. Neil. What? Did I fuck up again?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Are you my friend, James?”

“What kind of a question is that, Josten? Of course, I am.”

“So, you’ll give me ‘space’ to deal with my ‘history’ with Andrew and you’ll just ignore me?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You've been saying so many words that you don’t mean tonight, James.”

“Fuck. You're right. I’m sorry.”

“Okay. Perhaps my being honest and direct will help with this situation. When I said that I wanted to see where this would go, I meant it, James. It didn’t change during the last fucking 24 hours. Seeing Andrew, well, not exactly seeing him but knowing that he’ll be here from now on, threw me off my fucking game. This is the truth. I would also feel the same way even if we were fucking married or something. Because my past with Andrew doesn’t have anything to do with you. As you said, I’m not uncomfortable. I don't think I can ever be uncomfortable when I'm with you. But I’m annoyed. And it looks like I’ll be annoyed for an immeasurable time from now on. I know Andrew. He’ll just annoy me, for the sake of it. It doesn’t matter. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to continue pursuing this. They are just two different things. Please do not mistake my anxiety for reluctance. I’m not promising anything, just like you wouldn’t, and I don’t know how I’ll handle Andrew. But, these are two different circumstances. Let’s act like it. If you want. If you can handle it. That’s it.”

“Fuck. Neil.”

“James.”

“Maybe this is the last thing you want to hear right now, but I don’t really have the fucking words to convey how I feel.”

“Okay…”

“I’d like to show you though.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. _Oh_. I’d like to kiss you now, Neil. I’ve wanted this for a while now.”

“ _Oh_.”

“Yes, _oh_. Damn, Neil. Your skin is so soft. Your eyes are fucking gorgeous. Your lips. God. I’m going to kiss you right now. Because if I don’t, I’ll just go crazy. Okay?”

“Okay, James.”

* * *

Matt blinked a few times; not sure if his eyes were deceiving him. “Andrew?” 

“Boyd,” Andrew sighed.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Minyard?” he asked, a little bit of anger seeping into his voice.

“Right now, I’m shopping for groceries, Boyd. My girls need to be fed,” he said as deadpan as ever.

“Girls?” Matt didn't understand what was happening right now. Why was Andrew here shopping for groceries, in Chicago, when he was supposed to be in New York? Was he with Neil? Oh, Matt would just kill him if he’d taken Andrew back just like that. But what did the ‘girls’ mean? Wasn’t Andrew gay? Or was he bisexual? Bisexual and in a poly relationship? In Neil’s town? What was going on here?

“My cats, Boyd. Sir and King,” Andrew’s eyes were as dead as Matt remembered.

“Oh. _Oh._ ” Matt stared at Andrew. “What are you doing here Andrew? Why are you shopping here? In Chicago, I mean. Are you on vacation?”

“Wow. Is this an interrogation, Boyd?” One of his eyebrows went up.

“What?” Matt felt so tired suddenly. This felt like a problem. There were going to be issues. Fuck. Did Neil know? “Andrew?” It was all Matt could mutter right now. He did not want to talk about Neil with Andrew fucking Minyard, the asshole of all the assholes, thank you very much.

“Boyd,” it looked like Andrew had taken pity on Matt. “Is this how you treat all your new teammates?”

Matt heard the words; he just did not want to understand them. “Teammates?”

“Yeah, teammates, Boyd. I’ve been traded to the Hawks. Go Hawks! Was that believable?” His face was expressionless.

“Andrew. What the fuck?”

Andrew looked smug now. Where did this motherfucker find the nerves to look condescending?

“What's wrong, Boyd? Didn't you miss me?”

Oh, this fucker. “No, Andrew, I really didn't.” Matt lowered his voice, leaning towards Andrew as if he was about to share a secret, “Why are you really here, Andrew? Does Neil know?”

“Yes. He does,” Andrew replied with a sick grin. He fucking grinned. He’d never smiled before. And now, at the mention of Neil, he was grinning like it was the most joyful thing he’d ever heard before.

“Jesus. Andrew. What are you playing at?” Matt was shooking his head. 

Andrew sobered up a little, “Matt,” he said. Well, wasn’t this miles away from the “Boyd” he had muttered seconds ago?

“I’d like to talk to you, if you’re free now?” asked Andrew.

“Yeah, okay. There is a coffee shop just around the corner here. Let me just check these out.” Matt needed to get to the bottom of this shit.

“Yeah, me too,” Andrew said.

They walked out of the aisle of the grocery shop they were at and within ten minutes, they were sitting in the coffee shop. Matt ordered a hazelnut latte and Andrew asked for what seemed to be a mixture of all the sweet shots and creams that an order could handle.

“Talk, Andrew,” Matt said with all the hatred he could muster to his stare.

“Okay. Boyd. Matt. Do you remember my game with Neil? Truth for a truth?”

“Oh, Andrew,” Matt smiled slyly, “You're the only one who remembers shit like that.” 

Oh, that felt so good to throw at Andrew’s face.

Andrew just stared, as usual, nothing in his blank expression changing. “Fair enough. I just meant that you’ll ask me for the truth, and I’ll answer it and then I’ll ask you, vice versa.” Matt knew the mechanics of this fucked up game. He also knew it never did Neil any good, and yet he was willing to play, just to see what Andrew would spill. 

“Okay. That means I’ll get to ask the first question, right Minyard?” Matt asked and Andrew just nodded solemnly.

“Yeah, go on Matt.” 

Oh, it was the first name basis again. How cute. Only it wasn't.

“Why are you here?”

“I was traded here.”

“Are we really gonna play like this?” Matt asked wearily.

“No.” Andrew replied, “No, okay. I am here because I feel like I have to mend a few fences along the way, Boyd.”

“What fences?” Matt asked.

“Oh, you should definitely ask that the next time,” Andrew said dryly.

“Okay, Minyard. You look like you're dying to ask me something. Just do it,” Matt was smirking now. Andrew did not just ask him to come here and start this fucking game out of the goodness of his heart. He wanted to know something.

“Alright. James Olson,” Andrew said.

Matt paused for a minute. “James Olson? What about him?” he asked.

“I want to know who he is,” Andrew swallowed loudly even if somehow he kept his face blank, “to Neil.”

Matt just couldn't stop the laughter rising from his throat, “Jesus, Andrew.” Matt shook his head, unbelievingly. “Andrew. Let’s just cut the crap, shall we? Are you here for Neil?”

As soon as it looked like Andrew was about to deny his obvious-as-fuck actions, Matt interrupted him. “Andrew. I’ll just be honest here. I really don’t know why, because you're the last person I want near Neil, but perhaps we can reach an understanding. You're here. Obviously,” Matt rolled his eyes, “you are here Andrew, and I think nobody forced you to be here. You wanted to be here. With Neil. Therefore, I may be able to help you.”

Matt stopped talking and Andrew just continued staring without any human emotion. God, has it really been almost five years now? This conversation made Matt feel like he had just been an upperclassman in PSU. Wow. 

“Andrew. Neil is my boy. My boi. I’d never do anything to hurt him. But if you were to say that you were in the wrong when you…”

Andrew interrupted quickly, “I don’t regret anything.”

Matt pinched the bridge of his nose. “Andrew. I'm so done right now. I know you, and you know me. If you continue to act like the piece of shit you are, I’ll just give you Olson's stats. Neil is very interested in his stats, as you can imagine. Is that what you’re looking for?”

“No. It is not,” Andrew finally answered after a few moments.

“Good. Yeah. I know. Okay. I’ll just ask you one more question and I’ll see where to go from there, okay? But I really need you to think very carefully before you answer. Do not say whatever comes to your mind or whatever you feel comfortable with because you're being a scared piece of shit. Okay?"

Andrew hummed and Matt took it as a yes.

“Andrew, why are you going after Neil? After all this time?” Matt asked, his shoulders tight. He knew Andrew would never give him the truth. Andrew was wired like that. He’d never accept Matt’s help and…

“I think Neil didn't understand me when I let him go and I want to make him understand what really happened back then.”

Matt was speechless, “Andrew. ‘When you let him go’? ‘What really happened there’? Have you lost your touch with reality, man? You dumped him. Maybe it doesn’t feel like it for you and you’re just in some kind of denial, but it’s been almost four years. If you thought it was a misunderstanding…”

“I never said it was a misunderstanding. I don’t like that word.” Andrew interrupted Matt quickly.

Matt just stared Andrew down, “Andrew. _Andrew._ Whatever. It’s been four years. Neil is finally about to move on and…”

“Is Neil moving on? With James Olson?” Andrew asked.

Finally, Matt had seen a real reaction from Andrew. 

“They're very close, Andrew. He’s Neil’s best friend, after me obviously. But James is very important to him. If you’d asked this a few weeks ago…”

“What do you mean, Boyd?”

“Allison told me that she helped him to dress for a date with Olson. Like a few weeks ago or something. She won the bet, Andrew. She won the bet that Neil and James were into each other. If you want to fuck this up, you’d better be ready to tell the world that Neil is your guy. Because otherwise? The world will fight you and it’ll win, Andrew. Nobody here bets on you anymore. Not even Renee, you know.”

When Andrew didn't say anything, Matt continued. “One more thing, Minyard. I know what James’ intentions are. What a fucking disturbing thing to say, _I know_. But he really likes Neil. Fuck, I think he’s almost in love with him. Don’t think that James is a coward like you. He’ll be shouting his love from the rooftops if he believes that Neil loves him back. If he feels like Neil is really interested in him, he will just try to take you out, because Neil doesn’t need you right now.”

Andrew was still silent. “He will try to protect Neil from all hurt, Andrew. Including his own heart. Does that remind you of something?”

“Fuck you,” It was all Andrew could have said.

“Yeah. Sure. Andrew, it’s not too late. I’ve laid it all out for you. You aren't stupid enough to think that everything will be just as it was 4 years ago. You can let it go. Neil did. Just get traded somewhere else. The deadline hasn't passed yet.”

“I won't, Boyd.”

Matt took a deep breath and sipped on his drink to try to muster up the patience he needed right now. He thought of himself as a pretty calm person but Andrew, the guy who broke his best friend’s heart and made him cry like a baby, certainly was the one to put that tranquility to the test.

“Fuck, Andrew,” he took another deep breath. “I think I liked you better when you were all silent and not screwing around with people’s lives. If you want to talk to Neil again, well, you better fucking be more vocal than James.” Matt rose from his chair and moved to the door of the coffee shop, but kept on facing Andrew. “Neil doesn’t want you here. James, obviously doesn't. I’m sure Allison has your voodoo doll tucked in her closet somewhere, waiting for the best time to strike. Dan doesn’t even mention you anymore. I’m sure even though Nicky is loyal to you, he wouldn’t want you near Neil anytime soon. Kevin… Kevin is Kevin, but I know he really cares about Neil. You don’t have any support here, Andrew. You better do all the right fucking things.”

Andrew only blinked at him slowly before sipping on his own drink.

“I’ll see you in a few weeks, Boyd,” he stood up and walked to the door as well. They were close but not too much. Still, Matt needed to look down to see Andrew’s contemplative and blank face. “I can't really promise you anything, but you’ve been so honest with me. So let me return the favor.” Andrew said.

Andrew drew close to Matt, “If I hear you mentioning a bad word about me to Neil, Boyd, there will be consequences. I don't give a fuck what other Foxes think about me. I’d live my life happy if I never hear from any of you ever again. Just stay out of my way.”

Matt could not help but laugh, because Andrew never understood what was what, even after all these years, “Oh, Andrew. You are so cute. None of the ‘other’ Foxes care about you at all. They care about Neil, and Neil cares about them. If you’re willing to make a move for Neil, make sure that you don’t express your disgust for us. This time, Neil will be the one showing you the door.”

Andrew looked as uninterested as he was in college. What Neil saw in this man, Matt really couldn't understand. Matt wished that James had just swept Neil off his feet. 

“James has been planning for a trip for a while now. I kind of remember how much of an asshole you were when Neil mentioned going on a road trip with you. He’d said that it wasn't even the first time he’d asked you. Apparently, you’d just evaded his request.” Matt chuckled, without humor, “Either you acknowledge your irrelevant act, or you’ll just dissolve into the background, Andrew. Where you belong.”

Matt did not wait for Andrew to reply. He left the coffee shop, cursing himself for giving Andrew his time and promising himself never to mention this stupid conversation to Neil. Andrew obviously still didn't deserve any loyalty from them. And James, with his clear intentions and obvious interest in Neil, fucking well deserved it.

He took out his phone from his pocket, punching a few buttons to call someone. “Olson! My man! What’s up!” James deserved all the help he could get, Matt thought. It didn’t hurt that he was a 6 feet tall, green-eyed, brown-haired man in love with the main boy of Matt’s life. Oh, no, it didn't hurt at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Allison is and always will be my sassy queen and the voice of reason. She knows things!


	3. Open Up, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew crashes yet another date, leaving James frustrated.  
> Neil doesn't really know how to calm him down, also he has his own problems to deal with.  
> So, when everything becomes too complicated, Neil decides to take the matters into his own hands, but things get terribly out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm, don't hate me?
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS: Sexual abuse, non/con, emotional abuse?, manipulation?  
> The rating goes up to EXPLICIT.
> 
> If you prefer not to read this chapter, YOU CAN SKIP TO THE END NOTES FOR A SUMMARY.
> 
> *shrugs tensely*

“We should stop meeting like this,” said James, his mouth in a lopsided smile, slowly walking over to Neil. Neil had been sitting in his car in the stadium’s parking lot for over an hour now. He’d woken up even earlier than normal and gone for his morning run, taken a shower, nibbled at some toast, and still had more than two hours to spend before practice. So, he had just driven to the stadium, but he couldn't bring himself to go in. There wasn’t a Maserati in sight, but that didn’t mean that Andrew wasn’t here. Hell, Neil didn’t even know if Andrew still owned that damned car or not. He wanted to see Andrew arrive and get over the initial shock here, by himself, in his car. But that wasn’t in the cards now, was it? James just _had to_ come over.

Neil shook his head, trying to suppress this sudden anger flaring up from his chest. This wasn’t James’ fault. He saw Neil’s car and came to check up on him. This had happened a million times before. Today shouldn’t be any different. But it was. Andrew was coming here _today_ , and Neil only needed to be alone for a few minutes, just so Andrew could come and enter the fucking stadium before Neil had to face him.

“Neil? Aren’t you coming?” James asked.

“Yeah, coming,” Neil mumbled, stepping out of his car.

“You, okay?” James asked, moving close. When he cupped his face, Neil took an involuntary step back, then stopped and cursed himself under his breath. James faltered slightly, after a moment he straightened his shoulders and raised his chin. “Sorry. I really didn’t mean to _ambush you_ here in the fucking parking lot. Waiting for Andrew?” James asked dryly. 

Neil just sighed. He had neither the patience nor the interest to deal with James’ jealous and possessive streak that has been very prominent for the last few weeks.

Last month had been a whirlwind of emotions. When James kissed Neil, it really was everything Neil had hoped for. His lips were soft, his tongue hot and wandering, his hands strong on Neil’s neck and waist. After their dreadful conversation about Andrew, it felt freeing. Being this close to someone again felt peaceful. Neil hadn’t kissed anybody after Andrew, since he had never felt that attraction or desire for intimacy with anyone else. Whatever he felt for James was enough though, and kissing him felt good. And yet… Well, Neil hadn’t really expected fireworks or to be taken apart by James’ mouth. Those were nothing but fantasies. Or perhaps those were things to be felt only once. Neil had already lost seconds, minutes, hours, and days under someone else's mouth and hot breath, and it didn’t do him any good. Now, he didn't want extraordinary. He ached for normal, and with James, it felt _real_ and that was perfectly _fine_.

They had gone out for three more dates, each filled with laughter and easy conversation, and ended with hot kisses. Neil didn’t want anything more for the moment, and James hadn’t asked. Although, from the way James had shifted uncomfortably in his seat or tried to reposition himself without Neil noticing, Neil assumed that James would have preferred if Neil had taken care of the problem in his pants, and still, neither of them mentioned anything.

There was also this slight problem of Neil’s blood not rushing to his appropriate parts when kissing James, but perhaps that was not worth mentioning, either. The most problematic thing though was that Neil couldn't help but compare his body’s reaction to James against how he had felt with Andrew. It confused him _so fucking much_ that it had started to weigh on him. Which one was normal? Perhaps with Andrew, he had felt like he did because it was Neil’s first time experiencing any sexual interest? Maybe what he felt with James was normal and he needed more time to develop any kind of sexual attraction to him? Not that he didn’t find James attractive or anything. James was _hot._

Also, there was one time, in Neil’s kitchen where James had pressed him to the counter, his hands slipping under Neil’s shirt, and tension had grown in Neil’s stomach and pressure started to build in his groin. Neil had almost felt happy, his body finally catching up with his mind and realizing that he was right here with someone he liked, that he was being kissed and affectionately caressed. He had been almost half hard when the kiss broke apart, but after catching his breath for a minute, his erection was long gone. James hadn’t said anything if he’d noticed. He’d never acknowledged Neil’s persistent lack of arousal, either.

James was gay and according to him, he hadn’t been hooking up with anyone for months now, because Neil had been all he could think about. Now that they were dating, his sexual frustration only grew. Neil knew it was easier for James to blame Andrew for Neil’s lack of sex drive, appearing out of nowhere and obviously confusing Neil. However, Neil didn’t know whether the problem was really Andrew, or that he was just broken and wired wrong.

As if thinking about all these feelings weren’t tiring enough for Neil, there was also the _James versus_ _Andrew issue_. Neil had never, not even once, mentioned Andrew to James since that day, yet it seemed like it was all the tall man could talk about. _Why he was even coming here_ , James had asked repeatedly. Neil didn’t know, but that didn’t phase James. Obviously, it was for Neil. Obviously, Andrew wanted something from him.

 _What will you do when Andrew talks to you? What will you say? Do you even want to talk to him? Do you miss Andrew? Do you still want him? Do you want to take him back?_ _You can be honest with me, Neil. Please, be honest with me. I just want the truth, Neil. You can tell me. Just tell me, if that’s the case, please._

James’ questions about Andrew were endless. Neil had tried to answer every one of them, because this was James, and their years-long friendship was built on the fact that they always talked and never escaped from tough conversations. But, Neil sincerely wished Moriyamas to kidnap him one last time. It had been a while, surely it could happen again. Bodily harm had never sounded so good.

Before Neil was able to respond to James’ newest passive-aggressive retort, a Maserati slowly entered the lot and parked, distracting Neil from his thoughts. James and Neil were both silent and watching, one with trepidation and the other with barely concealed wrath. The blond driver of the vehicle left his car and approached them, steady and focused.

“Junkie,” Andrew greeted Neil casually, as if they had been standing in front of the Foxhole Court. Like they’d been seeing each other frequently and not met only once in four years. Andrew looked at Neil intently, his gaze never wavering.

James cleared his throat, “Minyard,” he said and extended his hand to shake Andrew’s.

Andrew didn't look away from Neil or take James’ hand. “Olson,” he said and was silent afterward.

It was Neil who finally dropped his gaze. “Andrew,” he acknowledged the blond man in a low voice. Turning to James, he said, “Let’s go in, the practice will start soon,” before starting to walk away. James followed him quickly. Neil didn’t know what Andrew was doing standing there by himself, but he felt his gaze at the back of his neck all the way to the building.

* * *

“Jesus. Is that Andrew?” James asked. 

Neil snapped his head around so quickly that his neck cracked. “What? Where?”

“That _asshole_. Look. Over there, by his precious car,” James pointed out of the diner window. Yes, it was Andrew, leaning back to his car, smoking a cigarette without a care in the world, looking all hot and cool with his black leather jacket, skinny jeans, and Wayfarers. Fuck. No, Neil didn't think Andrew that was hot. Or cool. Nope. Andrew just stood there.

“What is he doing here?” Neil asked like James could answer his stupid and futile question.

Surprisingly, James looked like he knew the answer. He raised an eyebrow. “What do you think, Neil? He’s here to annoy us, of course. Well, to annoy _you_ , actually. Therefore really, _really_ inconveniencing me. How the fuck did he find us here? Is he following you? Fuck this shit. Seriously.”

“We could just go?” Neil suggested.

James’ smile was brittle, “Sure. Let’s just run away,” he cupped his face. “Why are you so adamant about running, Neil? You see him almost every day now. Are you still so distressed by his presence?”

Neil frowned. “You literally just said ‘fuck this shit’. I only assumed you don’t want to be here. And you know I don’t like insinuations, James. If you want to say something, say it.” 

“I don’t like the fact that him just showing up can get under your skin so easily.”

Neil huffed. “Seriously? You don’t know him. He is doing this on purpose. That’s what bothers me. Not Andrew himself. We talked about this. You’re acting like…” He took a deep breath to steady himself and stopped talking.

“I’m acting like, what? A jealous boyfriend? A lover scorned?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I am a little bit jealous, Neil. Him coming here and trying to push your buttons is the playground equivalent of pulling your ponytail, can’t you see that?” James was getting agitated.

“He doesn’t even speak to me, James. Stop working yourself into a lather. He’s not trying to get me back,” Neil pointed out.

James took a deep breath.

“Okay, if you say so. Whatever. But do you understand why that would make me jealous? Or why I’m jealous of you? I like you, Neil. I’ve wanted this for a long time and now that I’m finally able to touch you and kiss you…” James leaned in and reached his hand forward to caress Neil’s jaw. Neil did not want to stop James, even though knowing that Andrew could see this act of affection made his stomach tighten. “I can handle exes, Neil. It’s just… Him actively pursuing you is very disturbing.”

Neil almost rolled his eyes but managed to restrain himself.

“There is no pursuing, James.”

Neil was suddenly distracted by the diner door opening loudly. From James’ frown, he knew that Andrew had finally walked in. _Shit._

Andrew walked over to their table and slid next to Neil nonchalantly, “Olson. Junkie.” He reached for a menu, but a bewildered James tore it away from his hands.

“What the fuck, Minyard? I don’t remember inviting you to our booth?”

“I’m hungry, I’m new to town, and I’m your teammate. Where else would I sit, Olson?”

“James,” Neil warned. James just narrowed his eyes and leaned back away from Neil.

Andrew was sitting very close to Neil, not close enough for their thighs to touch but enough for Neil to smell Andrew’s distinct scent of cologne, leather, and cigarette smoke. In an instant, Neil was sitting on the dorm rooftop; smoking, telling truths, increasing percentages, his mouth searching for another. His eyes betrayed him and slipped towards Andrew, who was watching Neil intensely. Andrew’s eyes were rapt with longing, his pupils were blown, drawing in slow breaths. Neil’s breath hitched.

James cleared his throat, muttering, “Oh, for fucks sake…”

Andrew snapped his fingers towards James without taking his eyes off of Neil, “Menu.”

James scoffed, “You're a piece of work.”

Andrew then turned and stared at James, with no apparent emotion in his eyes, his expression flat. When he didn’t say anything, James turned to Neil again, shook his head as if to say, _can you believe this guy?_

Yes, unfortunately, Neil believed this guy. This was Andrew through and through. He looked like he didn’t care about anything, but his shoulders were tight. A small furrow was sitting between his brows. A minuscule twitch of the right side of his mouth indicated anger. His eyes were emotionless to everyone else, perhaps, but for Neil, they were burning with emotion. His fingertips were hovering above his armbands. Andrew looked empty, but in reality, he was anything but.

“Don’t,” said Neil to Andrew, ‘ _don’t reach for your knives’_ was implied. James looked confused.

Andrew’s eyes softened, his lips straightened. His frown disappeared and shoulders relaxed. His hand was placed on the table.

“Thanks,” replied Neil and Andrew just hummed.

James was looking back and forth between Andrew and Neil, trying to interpret their silent conversation. He failed miserably, which seemed to add more fuel to his anger. Then, he smiled dangerously.

“Neil,” he said, voice soft and like honey, “I was thinking about _our trip._ ” He emphasized the intimacy of his words with a pause. “Since Andrew's from New York, perhaps he can give us some tips. He seems to have a knack for good places to eat, since we can't go anywhere without him appearing from thin air.”

Andrew finally showed some emotion, though Neil would have preferred it if he hadn’t. He looked downright murderous but didn’t make a sound.

They had been planning this trip even before they had started dating. They were going to visit one of their old teammates, who’d recently got married, and spend a few days in the city. But James made it sound like they were going on a honeymoon.

Neil rolled his eyes, “I’m sure Lillian has already made tons of reservations,” he said, trying to act casual. “Uh, we’ll visit Lillian and her wife, they just got married. I’m sure you’ve heard of Lillian Marshall, she was a teammate,” Neil tried to explain to Andrew, for God knows what reason. “Anyway, let’s just order,” he said in a feeble attempt to change the subject.

James didn’t take the hint or perhaps he was being purposefully obtuse. “Our hotel restaurant is rated 4,5 stars on TripAdvisor. Perhaps we’ll have a late breakfast there. Or order room service. We’ll see.”

Even Neil could see through James’ words as his innuendo was perfectly clear. Andrew continued to stare at James. Suddenly he flashed James a wicked grin, nodded his head a few times as if he got the gist of James’ insinuations, and got up from his seat. He gave Neil his two-fingered salute, James the finger, and walked out of the diner. It happened so quickly that Neil didn’t even have any time to react.

“That was unnecessary,” Neil said to James when they left the diner after having a few bites of food. Neil had lost his appetite. He didn't want to talk there as he was trying to avoid a public confrontation.

“What?” James didn't look guilty at all, and was still slightly irritated. Neil couldn't understand how James could act like this.

“The things you said intentionally. Our hotel, James? Late breakfast? _Room service_?”

“I wanted him to know his place. I don’t see any problem with that. Why does it bother you?”

“And what is his place? You don’t have to alienate him. You don’t have to do anything,” Neil said and then paused, “actually, it’s not _your_ place, James.”

James turned to Neil, his face now red, mouth hanging open wide, “You’re choosing him over me.”

“What? No one is not choosing anything. There's nothing to choose.”

“He wants you and you’re enabling him. I feel like a fucking fool.”

“You’re getting way ahead of yourself.”

James was furious. “About which part, Neil? About the part about him wanting you, or about me acting like this is a relationship when clearly you don’t see it that way.”

“We’ve been dating for only a month, James. We’ve only been on five dates,” Neil tried to explain.

“You’ve known me for three years! We’re friends. I’m one of your best friends, for fuck’s sake. We’re already close. I’ve seen your scars, I’ve touched them, I’ve kissed you and held you. How can you act like none of these things matter when Andrew magically reappears in your world? He left you and didn't speak to you for four fucking years, Neil. Grow a fucking backbone.”

By that point, Neil was seething.

“Fuck you.”

James started walking away, even though they had come here together in Neil’s car. James didn’t intend to be in the same space with Neil at all, it seemed. But suddenly, James turned on his feet and came back.

“You know what? No. I’m not walking away. We’ll talk about this.”

“Christ, James. You told me to grow a backbone. Is there anything else you’d like to add? More insults?”

“No insults. Just one more thing. I would have acted the exact same way, even if we weren’t dating, Neil. I’m your friend and I know that Andrew once hurt you terribly. I would have insinuated, cursed, ignored, or yelled at him even if he showed up two months ago, before _us_. And if something similar had happened to me, I would have expected you to do the same. And I’m sure you’d act even worse than me. So, the question remains, Neil. Why are you so troubled about Andrew getting hurt? You want him to hurt, I know this. But you don’t want _me_ to hurt him. Not as your ‘boyfriend’ or something. That tiny difference that you can’t seem to admit to yourself means everything to me. Do you understand where I’m getting at, Neil?”

Neil couldn’t deny anything James had said. If an ex came here and tried to mess with James, oh, Neil would have so much fun hurting the asshole. And James was doing the same thing, for Neil. Well, obviously in a more possessive and marking-his-territory kind of way, but in the end, he was trying to help.

“Okay. Yes. Sure. I kinda get it. I just felt like… It feels like…” Neil trailed off in a low voice.

“What, Neil? Please talk to me. We’re not really talking about this shit. It’s either we’re having a normal ‘us’ conversation or making out.” He gave a small smile, “Not that I mind. On the contrary. It’s just, I honestly don’t know what you're thinking.”

Well, James talked about Andrew _a lot,_ actually, but Neil decided to ignore this. Instead, he laughed, “I’m not doing this standing on the curb.”

“Let’s get in the car, then,” James said, his hand already on the passenger door handle. Neil followed him to the driver’s side and got in. 

“Okay. I felt like you’re acting out of jealousy. Not because of us being friends. It bothered me,” Neil said finally, looking to where James was in the passenger seat.

“And why is that?” he had a frown on his face, his eyes locked into Neil’s.

“Jealousy is a useless feeling,” Neil said almost instinctively. He shivered. Some phrases were obviously engraved to his memory. “I mean, there’s nothing to be jealous of. And to be completely honest, I don’t think that we’re at that stage yet. It feels like you’re trying to use this situation to push us in a direction where I’m not yet ready to go.”

“Wow. Don’t beat around the bushes on my behalf,” James said tensely, but stopped before he could say anything else. He bit his lip, looked out of the window to the empty parking lot of the diner, and took a deep breath. In only a few seconds he seemed to have calmed himself down, at least a bit, and then he turned to Neil with a more contemplative expression on his face. “I get it. Perhaps, you're also somewhat right. I mean, I’m acting out against Andrew because I fucking hate his guts for coming here and hurting you, but I also feel threatened by his five fucking foot presence because of how much he meant to you. I want to be there, Neil. I want to mean more to you. More than Andrew did. I’m not sure that you’re going to let me, though.”

Neil sighed and looked down at his hands on the steering wheel.

“I can’t just ‘let’ things like these happen, James. You know it’s not like that. Either it happens or not.”

“Neil. You’re so fucking annoying with your unequivocal thought process,” James said, even if he was smiling almost fondly, Neil couldn't help but think that he was also very much aggravated. “It unsettles me. Can’t you be a little more accommodating and say, ‘ _I fucking like you James Olson, and I’ll show you that. I don’t care about Andrew Minyard. He’s long gone_ ’ or something like that?”

 _Accommodating?_ When was Neil ever accommodating? Neil was annoyed but let the comment slide. He wanted this fight to be over already. “I thought I was showing you. You know. With my mouth and all,” he said, choosing to be _accommodating_ or whatever shit James thought he needed to be.

“Yes, of course. Hmm. Show me again?” James asked, leaning in. He put his hand on Neil’s thigh, caressing slowly and moving it upwards inch by inch. 

Neil didn’t want him to touch anywhere too private but kissing James was not a bad idea. Especially if it helped to end this unnecessarily annoying conversation.

“Yes,” he said, meeting James halfway. James quickly opened his mouth, deepening the kiss. He kissed like Neil was going to run away if he didn’t keep him here with his lips. It was almost needy, his tongue searching after Neil’s feverishly. His hand was still going upwards though, so Neil shifted in his seat to forestall him.

James pulled back suddenly, his eyes searching for something on Neil’s face. “I’m hard,” he said so out of the blue that Neil thought he didn’t hear him right. “Are you hard, Neil?” James asked.

Neil leaned back into his seat, away from him. His question didn’t have a flirtatious tone, but rather an accusing one, and Neil didn’t like it one bit. “Is this supposed to be sexy or something?” Neil huffed, already dreading where this was going.

James kept looking at him as if deciding to say something or not. Finally, he found whatever he was looking for in Neil’s eyes. “Yeah. It’s a stupid question, right?” He laughed rigidly. “I kinda ruined the mood. Sorry,” James turned away and stared out of the passenger window. “Today was tiring. Could you just drop me at my apartment? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Everything was too overwhelming. It was James’ fault for asking something so tasteless, just when they were getting back on track. Yet, Neil was feeling guilty too, perhaps unnecessarily, as if he wasn’t giving James enough, enough of his mind, enough of his body. James liked him, cared for him, and Neil acted like he wasn’t good enough for Neil to reciprocate James’ feelings and like he was taking James for granted. It didn’t, no, _it shouldn’t_ matter why he wasn’t aroused or why he didn’t want James to feel jealous. He just _had to_ try to be better. 

* * *

“James is coming over tonight,” Neil talked into the speaker of his mobile, sounding totally defeated.

“Wow, excited much, baby boy?” Allison asked, her tone concerned.

“No… No, of course I am. It’s just… Andrew being here really got in the way, Ally. James is just giving and giving but I’m not doing anything in return.”

“What are you talking about? Neil, honey, it’s normal to be distracted by Andrew. I mean, you two were like these star-crossed lovers or something. And you are… Well, you. You don’t feel so deeply for everyone else, so your reaction to the only other person you’d felt this way is completely understandable. If James doesn’t agree, he's an asshole.”

“No, it’s not like that. I know that I can do more, try more. He deserves it.”

“Try what more, honey?”

“You know…”

“No, I honestly don’t.”

His doorbell rang. “Oh, he’s here. I’ll call you later.”

“Neil, um, you don’t owe anyone anything. You be you, darling. You’ve just started dating. Don’t turn it into a chore, you’re supposed to enjoy it.”

“Yeah, yeah. I am, Allison. Later,” he hung up.

James was leaning against the doorframe, with a bottle of white wine in one hand, pizza box in the other. He was smiling so fondly that Neil felt his anxiety leaving his body. Perhaps this night would not go so terribly.

“You look hot,” James said, walking in.

“Thanks, you too.” 

James left the box and the bottle on the kitchen counter and faced Neil. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yes. Can I kiss you?” Neil asked suddenly.

James looked pleased and wrapped his arm around Neil’s small waist, pulling him closer. “Hmm, so eager, all of a sudden. Is there a reason for this, Neil?” he asked.

Neil met his gaze. “Do I need a reason?” Neil didn't know whether he was trying to convince James or himself.

James’ other hand grasped Neil from the back of his neck. “Not really. Come here.”

James kissed Neil, hard. These weren’t the usual fond kisses that gave away to needy ones. This was a fight from the beginning. James was kissing as if trying to win a war- against whom, Neil didn’t know. His hands quickly went under the hem of Neil’s shirt, running over his stomach to his chest. In a quick movement, he pulled the shirt up and over his head, leaving Neil shirtless and breathless. James’ mouth moved towards Neil’s nipples, sucking, and licking. 

Neil kind of liked it, only not so much when the playful nipping turned into harsh bites. He took James’ head between his hands, pulling his face upwards to his – and away from his sensitive nipples – and started kissing him again. James moved his hands to Neil’s waist, pulling him in, shoving their hips together and grinding hard. He was rock solid against him, and Neil? Not so much. James groaned in frustration, thrusting again and again, trying to build some friction for Neil. It really didn’t help, because now Neil was overthinking; trying to understand why his body wasn't responding and how whatever James was doing wasn’t really working, especially when repeated so furiously.

James let go of his hips and took Neil’s right hand, moving it to his front. Neil stilled but James didn’t seem to notice. He used Neil’s hand to rub his crotch over his jeans, growling as he rocked his hips towards Neil’s hand. He used his other hand quickly to pop the button and unzip himself, then slipped Neil’s hand inside his boxers, curling his fingers around his cock.

“Ughh,” James grunted, “Neil, so good. So good.”

Neil was standing still; he had stopped kissing James a while ago now. James was moving Neil’s hand up and down, pushing his hips into his hand, nibbling and sucking Neil’s bottom lip into his mouth. Neil was fixed to his spot, only present as a toy to be manhandled, waiting for James to get off. Yet, Neil didn’t pull back, remove his hand or say something to stop him. Neil wasn’t the innocent, oblivious fool he once was, so of course he’d already realized that James had been sexually frustrated because of him. It was the least he could do to help since obviously his stupid dick wouldn't comply and prove to James that he wanted him. His hand had to do.

Sure, it didn’t feel great. Or right. Or pleasurable. Also, his stomach was churning, but perhaps he was hungry since they’d left the pizza box on the counter, untouched. He wouldn't be able to eat afterward, Neil realized. Perhaps a cup of tea would help. He was _definitely_ going to take a shower. A hot shower. Or a bath. Yes, a scalding hot bath sounded really good. 

“Neil. Fuck. Neil. I want you so bad. So… Fuck, so bad. Yes, yes. So good. So fucking hot.” 

_Oh_ , he was still jerking James off. How inconvenient. That bath was calling to Neil. Would he have to wait for James to eat and leave? God, no. James was a friend, he wasn’t a guest or anything, he could stay and watch Netflix or whatever. James wouldn’t mind. 

Dear Lord, how long would it take for him to come, though? Seriously? Neil felt as if he had been jerking him off for hours now, even though the clock on his microwave insisted that it had only been 2 minutes. Pfft. What a lying piece of machinery.

James started shuddering, muttering obscenities under his breath, like how he’d like Neil to suck him off or how tight Neil would feel when he buried his cock into Neil’s ass. Riveting stuff. 

And then James came and came and came and Neil removed his sticky hand from James’ boxers. However, this ordeal was not over yet, apparently, since James took Neil’s left hand and led them to the couch. As he sat, he pulled Neil on his lap and then started to kiss him again, his tongue opening Neil’s mouth and moving in. Neil didn’t know what to do with his right hand covered in cum – and James obviously wasn’t going to help – so he decided to rub it clean on his own pants. He would have to do laundry later. 

James was kissing Neil lazily like he had all the time in the world. Perhaps he did. Perhaps that was why the time seemed to move so slowly. But Neil really wanted to take that bath, now.

James’ hands tightened around Neil’s waist, snaked downwards to cup his ass, and then moved up, stroking his back in slow, circular motions. James hummed; Neil waited silently.

Finally, James broke the kiss, but he was still touching Neil. Did he really have to, though? Neil needed him to stop, honestly, but he decided to say anything. It wasn’t worth getting James irritated over something so trivial. 

“I've been getting myself off thinking about this,” James said, he sounded pleased and _hopefully_ satiated, “Your hand was so warm; I can’t even think about your mouth.” He groaned. “Shit, I’m getting hard again. What are you doing to me, Neil? I feel like a horny teenager around you.” 

Not satiated, then.

Without another word, James took his cock out, stroking himself to full erection. Then he put both hands on Neil’s shoulders and pushed him off his lap and down to his knees.

James pulled Neil’s head up by his hair and pressed his cock to his lips. “Open up, baby,” he said, his voice low and ragged.

Okay, now, this was getting ridiculous.

James pushed some more and Neil felt like he had to oblige, so suddenly James’ weight was on Neil’s tongue; his smell and his taste surrounding all around, suppressing all his other senses. James started rocking back and forth, holding Neil’s head in its place. 

“So warm, so warm, fuck, so good…” James was growling.

Neil needed to breathe, but it was impossible with the way that James was fucking his mouth now. He was drooling all over his chin and chest, feeling dizzy and nauseated. 

Yet, he let James. Again.

Now, James should know… _What was he supposed to know?_ Neil asked himself. Was he supposed to know that Neil would let James fuck him whenever he wanted? Because right now James must have had the impression. Was James really thinking that this was enjoyable for Neil? He hadn’t moved, said anything, laughed, or smiled. He was _unmistakably_ not aroused. Did this really feel consensual for James, or was he pushing for whatever he could take? Was he doing this on purpose?

James pulled back a little, only to push back once more. Oh, yeah, _definitely pushing_.

“Coming. God. I’m coming. Swallow, baby. Good boy.”

Neil did swallow. He didn’t choke. James let go of his head. He removed his soft cock from Neil’s mouth. James grinned. Neil stood up and punched James right on his fucking mouth.

Neil went to his bathroom and locked himself in. He turned on the faucet, waited for the hot water to fill the bath, removed his soiled jeans and underwear, got in, sat down, and finally closed his eyes.

When he got out three hours later, James was nowhere to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUMMARY OF THE CHAPTER (many thanks to [@foxsoulcourt](/users/foxsoulcourt/) for making me realize that I should do this, also she summarized it for me, because, obviously, she is perfect.)
> 
> PLEASE READ THIS IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THE TRIGGERS:
> 
> Neil reflects on what it feels like to kiss and date James, the first person he’s kissed since Andrew. He compares how his body responded to Andrew with how it is not responding to James. He notices how often James gets fixated on Andrew and is vocally jealous. He realizes their friendship is changing and it seems to be about more than the fact they’re kissing now. Whatever it is, he’s not sure he likes it. They talk, but it’s low key argumentative rather than productive. James justifies his jealous behavior on Andrew hurting Neil when he broke up with him. Neil and James go out to lunch and Andrew joins them uninvited. Later James tells Neil he wants to mean more to him than Andrew did which Neil does not like at all. James wants to talk, but instead they end up kissing some more. James gets physically aroused, Neil does not, and he decides he will just “try to be better.”
> 
> The next night, James comes over for dinner. Neil, not sure whether he’s trying to convince James or himself, wants to start kissing before they eat the pizza James brought. James likes this turn of events and starts getting more physically intimate in a moderately aggressive way. Neil is clearly not enjoying their intimacy --he watches the clock, imagines having a cup of tea, taking a bath-- but James does not notice Neil’s lack of reciprocal enthusiasm. In fact, after Neil jerks him off, he drags them both to the couch and he keeps talking about how horny he is for Neil. Neil is definitely not interested, but does not tell James no or otherwise try to dissuade him and James does not notice Neil’s disinterest. James wants a blow job, Neil feels like he needs to oblige him and he does so, even though he doesn’t want to. When it’s over and James is grinning Neil punches him in the mouth. Neil goes into the bathroom, locks the door and takes a three hour bath. When he gets out, James is gone.


	4. You Use Present Tense So Freely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew tries to make amends, but talking about emotions has never been his forte.

Andrew had been standing in front of Neil’s apartment for ten minutes now. He still couldn't bring himself to knock. _This is ridiculous_ , he thought, _you are not afraid of anything. Never have been. What's stopping you right now?_ His heart, hammering against his ribcage, knew that he was lying. He was afraid. He wanted to talk to Neil, explain his past actions, and perhaps find a way to see him again, outside of team activities. Maybe, he was looking for atonement. Forgiveness. Even reconciliation? Andrew knew with _James fucking Olson_ in the picture, Neil taking him back so easily wasn’t likely to happen. What the fuck was Neil doing with that guy, anyway? Were they really together? Was he in love with him? Did he sleep with him? Look at him like he hung up the stars in the sky? Touch him like he needed the feel of his skin to be grounded? Kiss him until there was nothing else in the world? Was it possible for Neil to feel something like that again, for someone other than Andrew, when Andrew had never gotten over him? Did Neil forget Andrew? 

He was afraid to find the answers to those questions.

But never let it be said that Andrew shied away from confrontation. He knocked.

Neil opened the door, wearing an old, baggy shirt and low hanging basketball shorts, his hair a mess. He was gorgeous. The most beautiful thing Andrew had ever seen. 

When Neil saw Andrew, his eyes grew wide like a deer in headlights, and then he squeezed them shut, looking exhausted.

“Andrew?” He opened his eyes again, like he had expected Andrew to disappear. However, Andrew didn’t disappear, he didn’t want anything other than to stare deep into the icy ocean blue of Neil’s eyes. 

When he checked his junkie out again, Andrew noticed the dark rings under Neil’s eyes, his pale skin and his twitchy posture. Something was wrong, but Andrew didn't have the right to ask Neil, not right now. He was planning to earn Neil’s trust back and then shake all the truth out of his idiot. Was it the nightmares? Did something else happen? Was it _James fucking Olson_? Andrew wanted to stab something. However, all he could do was to wait. “Can I come in?” Andrew asked instead, somehow keeping all emotions away from his voice.

Neil took in a deep breath and shrugged, “Sure.”

Andrew had never seen Neil’s apartment before. Well, had seen pictures of it, obviously, on Neil’s Instagram page. He’d, unfortunately, caught a very terrible sickness in which he needed to check Neil’s profile at least three times a day, especially at night, or he undeniably and beyond any doubt would perish. There was no known cure.

“Do you want something to drink? Hot chocolate, perhaps?” Neil asked warily.

Andrew could not help himself but feel giddy. Not that he'd show it, though. “Did you lose your fight against sweets?”

Neil didn't meet Andrew’s eyes. “I still don’t like it. Um, some friends like it, though. So, I keep some for, um, them.”

Yeah, _them_. Not ‘him’, the one and only _James fucking Olson._ Sure. All the excitement Andrew felt quickly subsided into a cold listlessness. “Hot chocolate is fine.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back. Take a seat,” Neil said, gesturing towards the couch before retreating to the kitchen. Before sitting down, Andrew wanted to look around, just to see who this version of Neil was right now. Had he changed? Could Andrew find _his_ idiot in here, somewhere? The first thing that caught his eye was the large board hanging on the wall, displaying dozens of photographs. 

All of the Foxes were there, old and new. Andrew even found himself in a few of the team pictures. There were also pictures of the Hawks - in the locker room, in restaurants, on holidays, laughing, smiling, always so happy. There were more than a few pictures of James and Neil together – seven, to be precise. In one, Neil was looking at the camera, his lips pursed in a kiss, but James was looking at Neil, his eyes focused on Neil’s pink mouth. In another, James had his arm around Neil, oh so casually. James and Neil, sitting across a table, leaning towards each other, drinking milkshakes. Neil leaning on James, eyes closed, his head tilted and almost touching James’ shoulder. James resting his head on Neil’s lap. James and Neil rapping their sticks together during a match. James sitting here, on Neil’s couch, his feet tucked under Neil’s thighs, a remote in his hand, like he owned the place (thank fuck Matt was sitting on the other side of Neil, so it didn’t look _that_ intimate). Yet it was still too fucking much. Andrew needed to sit down right now or he’d to break that damn board.

Just as he was turning around to throw himself over to the couch, a picture half hiding under another one caught his eye. Airport windows. Two figures in black coats, standing only inches apart, their noses almost touching. _Abram._

And just like that, Andrew knew he still had his junkie. He just had to give something back. 

He would talk. About his feelings. He needed to stop running. 

He remembered blaming Neil for being a rabbit. Oh, how the tables have turned.

Andrew shuddered. He took three deep breaths, in and out. He wasn’t a teenager anymore. He was a grown man, he’d worked on himself, gotten help and he’s gotten better. He wasn’t all healed, but who the hell was anyway? He could do this. No. He would do this. Talk. Explain. Listen.

Neil returned a few minutes later with hot chocolate for Andrew and - of course- tea for himself. They sat on the couch, both looking forward and away from each other. Andrew took a sip and turned sideways to face Neil. Neil sat still.

Andrew knew what to do but not how to start.

“Neil,” When Neil didn't turn to him, he said, “Look at me,” and even though his expression was flat, he felt he was pleading.

Neil closed his eyes briefly. “Tell me this isn’t going to be a problem,” he said suddenly. Andrew didn’t understand what he meant by that.

“What?”

Finally, _finally_ , Neil’s gaze met Andrew’s. “Us being on the same team. I don’t want to fight, Andrew. I don’t want to hear anything hurtful from you. It’ll mess with my game. You know that I have to play well, and I have to win. If you’re planning to play your mind games with me, don’t. I've only just realized that I can live, Andrew. Not just survive. I don’t want to be killed because you came here for God knows why and threw me off my game. Literally and figuratively. That’s what I’m asking for.”

Andrew was speechless. Did Neil really think that Andrew came here, not only to Chicago but here, to his apartment, to hurt him? To fight him? Neil fucking Josten was at it again, Andrew never really had any idea what would come out of Neil’s dangerous, beautiful mouth.

Andrew ran his hand over his face. “Neil, I’m not here to fight you. I’m not going to say anything hurtful to you.”

“Oh. Okay. Good.”

“I wanted to talk. To clear some things up.” He paused, “A truth for a truth?”

Neil sighed deeply. “And I just said no games. You sure this isn't going to end in a fight?”

“It’s not a game.”

“It was our game, Andrew.”

“Well, it’s not a mind game, it’s something we say when we want to commit to truths.”

“You use present tense _so freely_.” Neil smiled, although there was no light in his eyes.

“It was intentional.” Andrew said.

Neil’s lips twitched. Andrew drew courage from the small movement and continued, “You can ask the first question if you want to?”

“No, be my guest. You wanted this. Ask away.”

Okay. This was going okay. Neil was ready to talk. If only Andrew had any idea what to ask Neil. He wanted to explain, not demand answers. What the fuck was he doing?

“Do you like Chicago?” Andrew asked, almost cringing. His cheeks started to burn with embarrassment at his lame question.

“Is this your question?” Neil asked, confused. Andrew only hummed in response and Neil shrugged. “Um, yes. It’s nice. I like it.” He narrowed his eyes in question, “Do you need more details, or…”

“No. That’s enough.” Andrew swallowed a lump in his throat. “Thanks.”

Was Neil still able to read Andrew like an open book? Andrew hoped so. Otherwise, this would be going to get more humiliating. “Your turn,” Andrew added. 

Neil raised an eyebrow and shook his head like he could not believe he was giving this idiot the time of day. “Why did you come here? To Chicago I mean? To Hawks?”

Neil went right for the jugular, apparently. All the better for Andrew. Being direct is what he can handle.

Yet- “I wanted to talk to you,” he said, lamely.

Neil, of course, rolled his eyes. “You could have just called,” he gave a little humorless laugh, “Even though you _blocked_ my number, I’m sure you can still remember it. Eidetic memory and all.”

Andrew didn't take the bait. He wouldn't. “I didn’t erase your number.”

“But you blocked it.”

“Yes.”

Neil was unimpressed. “Great. Anyway. I’m not really taking this for an answer, though. Elaborate.”

“I will. I wanted to explain why I did what I did,” Andrew said, trying to keep his voice passive, “face to face.”

“Again, you could have just…”

“I’m not finished,” Andrew interrupted. However, the words weren’t coming easily. Andrew pushed. “At that time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I can’t change the way I was thinking back then. But I'm not the same person now. My ideas and perceptions about life, living, even myself have changed. Evolved, perhaps. So, currently, I'm not satisfied with the path I am on. I… _want_ ,” Andrew winced a little, he still had difficulty expressing that he wanted something, anything, “I want to change my path. Even if I thought it was necessary at the time, my priorities are different now. I came here to work on that.”

Neil waited for a moment, his brow furrowing. “What are you saying, Andrew? I’m hearing so many words that don’t necessarily mean anything.”

“Yes. ‘That’ meaning, us. I came here to work on us.”

“But Andrew,” Neil started dryly, his voice hard, “There is no us. Don’t you remember? We are nothing. I am nothing.”

“And I want nothing.”

Andrew knew he had said the wrong things. He could see the anger rising in Neil’s chest, his eyes widening, his cheeks burning with fury. 

“Oh, Andrew. Can I take a turn? My question is: _Are you fucking kidding me?_ You come here, you mess with my head and have the audacity to utter the exact same fucking words you used to dump me while explaining how you’ve changed? I’m not asking for anything but if you’re going to come here and tell me that you want something from me, the least you can do is start with an apology, you asshole. You talk like you’re almost admitting to something but you’re not saying sorry. You're looking into my eyes and saying that you did the right thing then, that you have no regrets. And now you’ve _suddenly_ changed your mind and you want me back. Just like that! Oh my God, seriously, who do you think you are?” Neil was almost shouting now.

Andrew was panicking. He’d never thought that Neil would take him back right away. But he didn’t imagine this conversation to go so awry, either. He knew he fucked up. He had talked but there wasn’t any feeling attached to his words. 

“Neil…”

“Get out. I’m done,” Neil rose from the couch.

“No,” Andrew continued sitting, keeping his voice calm.

“What? You ass-“

“I’d like to rephrase.”

“Andrew, stop talking like a fucking notary or something.” Neil stopped but didn't sit down. He was obviously tired. Andrew was dying to know what was wrong with his junkie. But he had explaining to do.

“Neil. I’m sorry. I thought I was doing us both a favor,” Neil snorted but Andrew didn't stop. “I was selfish. I thought I’d lose you anyway, so I decided to end things. I was just afraid. Of us. Of us becoming so much more meaningful after graduation. It would have meant planning a life together. I wasn’t ready. Not because I wanted to be single and go on living my life, but because I thought I was keeping you back. From finding someone better with lesser issues, someone you could touch freely and without any boundaries. Someone who would talk to you and could tell you how he felt. I didn't want to see this happening. I didn't want to let you in any further. I wanted it to stop myself from getting hurt before I even got injured.”

Andrew slowly got up and approached Neil. Neil was shivering but didn't say anything. His eyes were wet, drops of tears falling slowly from his cheeks. Andrew reached his hand out but stopped before touching Neil’s face. “Can I?” Andrew asked and Neil nodded.

Andrew slowly wiped away a tear, his thumb brushing Neil’s cheek, he felt electric all over his body. 

“I was an idiot. Not for doubting you, because I never did, but for not believing in myself, in us. For not working on my issues, not voicing them. For taking an easy way out. And after it was done… Nothing else mattered, too. I felt empty. I was afraid that letting you in would hurt me, but I hadn’t realized how painful keeping you out would be. But I needed to work on myself, Neil. We won't know for sure, but if we hadn’t broken up, I’m sure I’d have done something stupid along the way, nonetheless. After two years and countless hours of therapy, I now know two things. One, I wasn’t over you. Two, there wouldn’t be a day that I’d stop looking for these red curls,” he curled his fingers into Neil’s hair, “and these blue eyes. I didn't want to come here and say something only to go back to New York. But that meant I needed to wait and try to find my way into Chicago. That took two more fucking years. But nothing has changed. My two main discoveries never changed.”

“Andrew…” Neil almost melted into the touch but took a hesitant step back. Andrew withdrew his fingers, his hands now empty and aching to reach out again. “I need… I need time. To think. I have other- Something happ- Um, I need to think. We’ll talk later. Is that okay?” Neil forced out, his voice shaking.

“Yes, Neil. It's always yes with you.”

“Except when it’s no.”

“Never again, Neil. It's always yes.”

* * *

Something was definitely wrong. 

Andrew could see it so clearly from the glassy stare of Neil’s eyes. He could feel it in his bones each time Neil flinched when somebody came too close. He wasn’t expecting Neil to give him an answer or start being friendly with him within a few days or anything. But the way Neil was averting his gaze from Andrew or trying not to stay alone with him even for a few seconds was telling. He was actively avoiding Andrew. But Neil’s responses weren’t normal for a man just trying to evaluate whether or not to take back an old boyfriend. It must have been something else. Surely it wasn't him who put that empty look in Neil’s eyes, did he? He couldn’t have. Andrew was sure that something else was going on, but who knew? Maybe he had hurt Neil so much that now he was withdrawing again. Fuck. Andrew needed to know if he’d caused this. Yet every time he approached Neil; he’d just slip and run away like the bunny he was. Andrew was going crazy.

His questions were almost answered the next day, though. When _James fucking Olson_ entered the locker room after calling in sick for 4 days, he looked like he’d been through hell. Andrew expected Neil to run to his boyfriend or whatever the fuck he was, but Neil didn’t even acknowledge his presence. Wasn’t that interesting?

Oh, also, apparently James had been so sick that he tried to punch the cold out of himself from his mouth. James’ lip was split, there was a now-yellow bruise on his cheek. He wasn’t even looking Neil’s way. That was good. When Andrew was finished with him, he’d need Neil’s help to bury the fucking body.

Andrew had to wait until the practice ended. James flew through the showers and quickly left as if he was never there. Neil, fresh out of the shower and only in his jeans, was trembling in front of his locker, opening and closing his fists, looking like perhaps he’d ask Andrew’s help to bury the body, after all.

Andrew approached Neil, “Talk.”

Neil jumped, surprised to find Andrew so close, so suddenly. “What?”

“Tell me, Neil.”

Neil let out a sigh, “Tell you what, Andrew? I’m not ready to talk abo-“

“Not that. James Olson. Talk.”

“Jesus Christ, Andrew,” Neil tensed, “I can’t deal with jealousy right now.”

“What did he do Neil?” Andrew insisted, with a stoic expression on his face.

“What? How- What do you mean?” Neil turned so he was staring blankly at his locker.

“You’re avoiding him. He was punched. _Maths_.”

Neil huffed, “And I thought math wasn’t your strong suit.”

Andrews tsked. “Answer. Now.” 

Neil turned his furious gaze back to Andrew, “I don’t want to talk about it. Not with you. Andrew, quit with the protective shit, will you? I’m not ‘yours’ to protect anymore. I wasn’t ever ‘yours’, period. It’s been years, Andrew, years! You don’t get to know what’s happening with me whenever you feel like asking. You don’t know me. You don’t know what’s going on,” He stopped to take a breath and tried to calm himself, “what you said… I need time. We can work on getting reacquainted with each other again. But don’t go demanding answers to personal questions immediately, okay?”

 _Reacquainted_? Andrew has just added a new word to his hate-dictionary. Neil was obviously deflecting but it didn’t mean what he said didn’t cause Andrew’s throat to burn, his stomach to tighten, his chest to hurt like his ribs were broken.

Andrew nodded. He'd just ask James, then. Neil didn’t need to know. 

“You wanna grab a bite, then? You know. _For reacquaintance purposes_.”

Neil shrugged absentmindedly, but his eyes were clearer than before. “Sure, why not?”

Neil was still standing there shirtless, even though his chest was facing the lockers, it looked like he was very comfortable with his new team. “I’ll wait for you outside,” Andrew said, leaving Neil to dress.

Before getting out of the door though, Andrew glanced back at Neil and watched his back muscles flex while pulling a shirt over his head. Because Neil was too fucking hot and Andrew was shameless and obviously didn't have any self-control.

Ten minutes later, they entered the diner where Andrew had interposed himself between James and Neil’s date. Andrew had seen Neil’s car parked on the curb. He had wanted to talk to Neil, or just sit across him, like they used to, in comfortable silence. Finding James with Neil had been an unpleasant surprise, but going in and frustrating James had been the highlight of Andrew’s day. Walking here again, with Neil, Andrew felt almost smug.

After ordering pancakes and coffee, they sat in silence. When Andrew asked about the Foxes, Neil started talking and they took off from there. Neil told him all about his last year at PSU, without any resentment, for which Andrew was thankful. Then, he shared some stories about the Hawks, not mentioning _James fucking Olson_ even once. Andrew talked about his time in New York, gave updates about Nicky and Aaron, showed pictures of his cats.

“I do have some good recommendations for New York. If you want to know,” Andrew had to try to get some answers from his idiot.

Neil rolled his eyes, “So subtle.”

Andrew hummed thoughtfully, “You can’t blame a guy for trying. So, New York? When?”

“I don’t think that’ll happen any time soon,” Neil said, his forehead puckered in a frown, “We’ll see.”

No, Andrew _definitely_ was not going to ask if James and Neil were done, he was not going to acknowledge any kind of relationship between them. Nope. Not happening.

Yet the words left his mouth before he could clamp his stupid lips together. 

“You guys broke up or something?” 

“I don’t know,” Neil said ruefully and the pain it caused was so deep that Andrew thought he was going to die right now, right there. 

“You punched him so that he wouldn’t break up with you?” Andrew knew he sounded bitter, but he couldn’t help it.

“Andrew. Stop.”

Andrew could not hear anything other than his treacherous heart thumping hard inside his chest. “But you guys are a thing, right? Or were.” 

“I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why?” Andrew didn’t know why he was pushing. Well, he knew why, but he didn’t know that he had it in him. Andrew never pushed. Yet here he was.

When Neil looked at him in fury, Andrew tried to explain. “I mean, do you not feel comfortable talking about James with me, or is it the punch you don’t wanna talk about?”

“Is there any difference?”

“Yes, Neil. Of course, there is. I want to know if he hurt you. That’s the only thing I’d ask you right now. The only thing I could ask.”

Neil cupped his face in frustration. “Are you going to confront James if I don’t answer?” Well, at least Neil still remembered how Andrew operated. If that small acknowledgement made his chest contract, Neil didn’t need to know.

When Andrew didn’t answer though, Neil tensed and crossed his arms. “Seriously, Andrew? Stay out of this.”

“Then tell me, Neil.”

“It’s not like that. He- We- It was a misunderstanding,” Neil cringed at his own words. 

Oh, in an instant, Andrew was burning up with anger. Neil knew what that word meant for Andrew. If he chose to use it, it must have been on purpose. He was telling everything without muttering the words. 

“Misunderstanding,” Andrew repeated icily.

“Yes.”

“I’ll kill him, Neil.”

“What? No. Andrew,” Neil looked at him with wide eyes. “No, it really was. I mean…” Andrew could see Neil withdrawing, shutting down with each passing second. His shoulders were hunched, and he stared off into the distance. “It’s my life Andrew. You don’t get to do shit. Just stop. He didn’t hurt me; not like you think. It’s… Something happened, and I’ll deal with it. With James. Without your intervention. Am I clear?”

Andrew wasn't going to dignify this request with an answer. He looked at Neil with narrowed eyes instead.

Neil was insistent, “Andrew. Did you hear me? You’ll do nothing. Promise me.”

Andrew huffed out a humorless snort.

“We’ll see.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Neil was getting up from the booth. He pulled out some cash out of his wallet and threw it on the table. “I knew that this was a bad idea. I don’t know why I bother with you, Andrew. You only do what you want to do,” Neil pointed a finger at Andrew, “Stay out of it. I mean it.”

Neil left without glancing back. Andrew waited a few minutes, in case Neil came back, then asked for the check. He had to go back to the stadium. He’d just get an address from the Coach’s office. There was nothing like a little breaking and entering to spice up the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this fic Andrew talks a lot. Because, REASONS and therapy. It’s not OOC if I acknowledge this, right?:))


	5. No Touchy No Ouchy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is both sorry and jealous. It is not a great combination.  
> Andrew demands answers, and if Neil isn't willing give them away, so be it.

“What are you doing here?” Neil asked the black figure sitting in front of his apartment door. He really wasn’t that surprised to find him here as Neil had been expecting this confrontation sooner or later.

“We need to talk,” James said, slowly getting up.

Neil unlocked his apartment and walked in, leaving the door open for James to follow. After the door was closed and locked, he turned around to face James. “Talk.”

“Neil,” James looked part apologetic, part agitated, “I don’t know why you’re avoiding me. I tried to give you space. But I don’t know what caused this,” he pointed at his face, bruised and split, “I know that you’re angry and I didn’t want to cause a scene at practice today. I waited for you in the parking lot but-” James paused, color rising in his cheeks, his voice spiteful, “you left with Andrew. That was a sight to see.”

“Andrew is irrelevant right now.”

James raised his arms up in frustration, “I- He- I don’t want him anywhere near you.”

“I said, Andrew is irrelevant to this conversation.”

“Okay. Okay. What did I do, Neil? Didn’t you like what we did that day? You fucking punched me.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Oh, my God! Are you not going to talk to me? What are you doing, Neil?” James was flushed, anger apparent in his eyes, “Why are you doing this? Tell me!”

“You’ve got some nerve to bark out demands,” Neil muttered.

“What? Okay, let’s take a step back. I did something wrong that day. That’s obvious. Did you not like being with me?”

“James. You…” Neil could not find the right words. Had James forced him? Not really. Neil never said no. Sure, he didn’t enjoy what was happening but he never uttered a word to James. “You- You didn’t stop, James. I wasn’t really functioning. I froze and you didn’t notice. You continued. I don’t know. I can’t say you forced me, but- I wasn’t functioning properly.”

James looked at Neil, eyebrows raised in shock. “Fuck.” He shook his head a few times, “Fuck, no. I didn’t force myself on you, Neil. I would never!”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, James.”

“Fuck, no. We kissed and- and you touched me. You sat on my lap. You kissed me, Neil. You sucked me off. How- Why? Why are you doing this?”

“Wow. I'm telling you how I felt that day and you’re telling me that I’m wrong? Get a fucking grip, James.”

“No, of course not. I’m sorry if you felt that way… That I-” James winced, “That I forced you. Jesus Christ, Neil. How can you think- I didn’t know that you could freeze and yet still act like that. I didn’t understand. I’m sorry. You have to believe me.”

Neil let out a sigh. Even Neil himself didn’t understand what he was feeling at the time. How could he expect James to act accordingly? He’d told himself that he’d do whatever it took to make James feel wanted. Was that really James’ fault not to understand Neil’s nonverbal no? James didn’t know how Neil was in bed. Perhaps he thought that this was how Neil always acted. Neil should have said something if he were uncomfortable. God. Everything was so messed up.

“Um, yeah. Right. Yeah. I know, James, it’s not all your fault,” Neil thought about reaching out. Wasn’t that what people did when they were trying to console one another? But he still didn't feel at ease- not enough to touch James. Fuck, why was this so terribly confusing? Why did his skin itch and he wanted out of it? “I should have said something. I got lost in my head and I thought that- I don’t know what I thought, honestly. I wanted you to feel good. But it wasn’t too great for me. Yeah. Something like that.”

James approached with caution, so as not to startle Neil. “I’m sorry. I was just too turned on. Maybe I didn’t realize how you acted. But, fuck, Neil, it was everything I dreamed it would be. And then you punched me and hid in the bathroom. I was terrified. It wasn’t how I imagined the night would end.” He slowly cupped Neil’s head with his large hands and leaned in. “I am falling in love with you, Neil. I wouldn't hurt you.”

Shit. _Love_? Neil couldn’t reciprocate his feelings, at least not yet. Everything suddenly became too overwhelming. He knew that James was going to kiss him and Neil wasn’t going to stop him. Again. Rinse and repeat. Was Neil really this stupid? Either way, Neil had to say something right now, or he should just shut the fuck up forever. 

James traced across Neil’s lower lip with the pad of his thumb, moved in, and locked his lips with Neil’s. Neil didn’t pull away. So, it had been decided. At the same time, he finally understood something. He wasn't supposed to feel the same way he did with Andrew. There was no need to compare. This would never feel as exciting, but that was because of how new everything was back then. Now that Neil knew how to be kissed and touched and fucked, it wasn’t going to be as enthralling. This was totally _normal_. He just wasn’t going to think about how each kiss with Andrew felt like little sparks of lightning even after three years or each touch made him ache for more. _T_ _his_ was what he had with James. Neil just had to adjust.

James licked the trace of Neil’s upper lip, asking him to open up. When Neil did, he slipped his tongue inside Neil’s mouth like he was starving. The kiss got a bit too feistier for Neil's liking, James stepped between Neil’s legs and pushed his hips against his. 

“I want you to feel good,” James murmured against Neil’s lips, “Tell me what you want.”

Neil could feel James hardening even through several layers of fabric separating them. “Um. This is good.” It was all he could say.

James slowly pulled himself away. “Yes. Must slow down. Sure. Fuck Neil,” He gave Neil another quick peck, “It’s just, everything about you drives me crazy.”

Neil gave him a small smile, and sidled away a few steps to put some space between them. “Do you want to eat something? I’m hungry.”

Even though his eyes betrayed his cool demeanor and hurt was apparent there, James didn’t say anything about Neil’s quick dismissal. “Sure. Yeah. Me, too.”

Before Neil was able to run back to the kitchen, however, James held out his arm and stopped him. “I have to ask something, though. What did Andrew want? Why did you go with him? Are you guys talking now?”

Neil was going to scream. Yes. He'd just scream all the pent-up emotions out of his body. But instead, he looked into James’ eyes and asked, “Seriously?”

James made a face. “I’m not asking to fight. I just want to know what his intentions are, Neil. Is it too much to ask for from my boyfriend?”

And suddenly there were labels. “Boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Aren't we still dating?” James now looked utterly confused.

“Yes, we are. I just don’t like labels.” Neil said. _I want nothing, this is nothing_ , he thought. Nothing could mean so many different things under different circumstances, apparently.

“Oh, okay. Whatever. So, Andrew?”

“Maybe you guys should date since you obviously can’t stop talking about each other,” Neil snapped.

James’ eyes narrowed. _Fuck._ “Why is he talking about me?” Neil didn’t answer but it was obvious that James already knew why. “I fucking told you. He wants you back, doesn’t he? He’s been talking bullshit about me.”

“James. Stop it. Let’s eat. I don’t want to talk about Andrew. I can handle him.”

“You haven't been the same since he arrived. You’ve been acting so differently, Neil. It’s obvious that you can’t handle him.”

Neil took a step back, raised an eyebrow, and crossed his arms. “Oh, really? James, this is starting to get irritating. We’re trying to move forward, and this isn't helping.”

“I want you to admit it,” James apparently didn’t know when not to push.

“ _Fucking hell_. Yes, he does. Okay? He came here. He said that he was sorry. That he wanted me back and he’d never gotten over me. You feel better?”

“He came here? When?”

“A few days ago.”

James flashed a cold grin. “I see. So, as soon as we hit a speed bump, Andrew shows up here. Great. And what did you tell him?”

“That I don’t have anything to say to him.”

“That’s it? You just said no? So now he knows that you’re not available?” James asked, obviously not believing whatever Neil was saying.

“I said that I had to think about his apology, and we’d talk about it later. I need to forgive him if we want to be friends again, James. I’m not talking about a romantic relationship.”

James laughed, “This is perfect. Really. Wow. ‘ _You’ll think about it_.’”

“Yes. To see if we could be friends. You done?”

“Not really. So what did you do today?”

Neil shrugged. “Andrew wanted to grab lunch. I didn’t know that you were waiting for me. I don’t think I’d have talked to you there, though.”

“Why would you? You had a lunch date. Instead of talking to me and solving our issues, you'd just turn back to the only other man you’ve ever been with,” James said sulkily, “am I being played here, Neil?”

Neil was fucking done.

“Oh, my God. This is crazy. I’ve entertained this for long enough. I’m done talking. You asked and I gave you honest answers. I’ve never been dishonest with you. I didn’t even know Andrew would be here before I said yes to you. And yet, you keep badgering me. You don’t really have any reason not to trust me. Is this insecurity, James? It sure feels like it. I can’t understand you. Really. When you came here today you were angry with me, which is kinda shitty in and of itself. Yet I explained myself, so we kind of made up, and then you’re suddenly kissing me, and professing your love. One minute later, Andrew is mentioned and you’re acting all furious and unstable again. I honestly don’t know how to handle your fucking emotional rollercoaster. It has only been a month or something since we’ve started dating and yet you demand answers as if this was more than it really is. Do I have to explain every fucking step I take to you? Is that what constitutes a relationship for you? If it is, kindly go fuck yourself.”

And with that, James walked out of Neil’s apartment without a word. Neil didn’t really believe that this would be the end of their ‘thing’. He knew that James would be back to make amends, or at least try to. But was that what Neil wanted, though? Even if he could convince himself that whatever he was feeling for James was normal and just fine, James’ behavior was downright abusive. 

Neil suddenly thought about his father. How he would hold Mary’s arm in a tight grip, demanding her to tell him where she had been for the last hour. Her answers were never enough for Nathan. It shouldn’t have taken an hour to play with Nathaniel, or half an hour to get ready for the guests of the night. She had always been in the wrong, always accused of hiding something from him. It became too easy for her, almost too comfortable, just to _deny, deny, deny_ until Nathan hit or left her alone. Ten minutes spent with Nathan and his temper wasn’t a big deal for Mary. She’d just needed to endure him for a few minutes and perhaps a few days of pain, and it would all be forgiven and forgotten. 

No, Neil wouldn't be like his mom; he wouldn't let James let him be.

* * *

“What the fuck are you doing here? You broke into a private property. You have a minute to leave before I call the cops,” James had found Andrew standing in his living room, surrounded by darkness. When James hit the lights and saw him, he had been startled but he didn't look terrified enough for Andrew’s liking. Huh. Andrew had to work harder, then.

Andrew clicked his tongue, “Easy, champ. I just want to talk.”

“Leave now, then perhaps we’ll talk. I won’t take your silly intimidation tactics lying down, Andrew. It’ll be better if the police didn’t find you here all bloody and shit.”

Instead of leaving, Andrew sat on the leather armchair at the corner. “Oh, James. And I don’t take threats lightly. Now we’re getting somewhere, aren’t we? Sit, sit. The sooner we talk, the sooner I’ll get out of your hair.”

James stood still; his arms crossed. “You little delinquent,” He shook his head with a smile as if he found this whole situation amusing, “Picking locks and taking names, huh? Did you really think that I’d scream murder and run away? How delusional. It's a cute look on you.”

“Yeah, that’s me. Cute.”

James waved his hand nonchalantly. “Okay, I’ll bite. Talk, then,” He gave Andrew a sly grin, “although, I know what’s eating away at you. You're not as subtle as you wish to be.”

“Subtlety would be lost on you.” Andrew pointed at James’s bruise, “Even Neil had to be too _blunt_ with you. Apparently, you can’t take no for an answer.”

James huffed. “Andrew. I’m honestly embarrassed for you. Isn’t it kind of humiliating, trying to weasel your way in and running after someone who’s so obviously moved on?”

Andrew’s expression was indifferent. “This isn't about me. This is about what you did to Neil.”

Andrew could see James getting angrier by the minute. Perfect. “And what do you think I did to Neil? You know nothing,” James spat.

“I know that I won't let you touch him again.”

James burst into a timid laugh, “I don’t need your permission now, do I?” James narrowed his gaze, “But I do have Neil’s. Are you going to tell him what to do, Andrew? Do you think that you own him?”

Andrew didn’t answer stupid questions.

“So, you want him back. That’s okay, I get why you’d want him back. It’s Neil. Who wouldn’t? If only you weren’t stupid enough to let him go.” James waited a beat and cocked his head at Andrew, “You know, Neil told me about your little talk. He said he’d take time to think about what you said, if he wanted to be your friend again. I think it’s stupid, since you obviously can't honor his wishes or boundaries. But I don’t own him, so I won’t step in. He’ll do whatever he thinks it’s necessary. Can you do the same, Andrew?”

That was rich, coming from James. What did he know about boundaries and limits and honoring wishes? Nothing, apparently. “I _can_ and will hurt you if you hurt him again.”

“But I didn’t hurt him. Neither did he. Okay, I really wanted to spare you from any details but now you’re just asking for it. You wanna know what happened? I mean, we were both very excited at the time, Andrew. Phew. You know how it is. Heat of the moment. That mouth is _magic_. Anyway. So, Neil gets all _aroused_ and worked up, and-“

Andrew was not going to sit around and let James talk shit about Neil like he was nothing but a body, a trophy to be collected and shown off. In mere seconds, Andrew was pressing his knife to James’ throat, drawing blood. He looked at the taller man with a bored expression.

“I don’t care about that. I know that you’re trying to rile me up. It’s not going to work, at least, not in the way you think it would. Yes, I know Neil. I know his expressions, his body language, his gaze. Whatever you did to him triggered something. And he sure as fuck wasn’t _aroused_. He sucker-punched you for it,” Andrew clicked his tongue, “and now you’re admitting that what you did was something sexual. Tsk, tsk. I don’t tolerate predators, Olson. I don’t allow abusers to breathe. The only reason you’re not lying here and drowning in our own fucking worthless blood is because I know that Neil can handle himself. I’m just here to remind you that there won’t be a second time. Watch your back, Olson. Always. I’ll be watching you.”

Andrew let James go and took a step back. James looked at Andrew with wild eyes and narrowed lips, his breath heavy, “You fucking son of a bitch.”

“Yeah, she was. Up your game, Olson.”

“Neil and I are fine, you fucker. You stay away from him or you won’t see what’s coming for you.”

“Promises, promises. I dare you, Olson. Come at me. It’ll make my life easier.”

“You piece of shit. You're acting so high and mighty now, but there’s only one person here that Neil's avoiding. Only one person here that hurt Neil. And it’s not me. Fuck off. Now.”

Andrew huffed and moved towards the door, “Just remember. No touchy, no ouchy.”

As soon as Andrew closed the front door behind himself, he took a hitched breath. His hands were shaking. It had taken every ounce of his self-control not to kill the abusive asshole. And the way he talked about Neil- Were they really that intimate? Didn’t James know when to stop? Andrew was almost certain that whatever James did in the ‘heat of the moment’ was troubling Neil. _Fuck._

Andrew wished that Renee was here. A good sparring session would relieve him of all his tension. He also wanted to go to Neil’s, to talk some sense into him, to make him understand that no good would come from _James fucking Olson_. But, since James knew about Andrew’s apology, that would mean they had been talking again. And from the way Neil left the diner, Andrew would be the last person Neil wanted to listen to right now.

Andrew was patient. He'd waited four years to get back to his junkie. He could wait a few days for Neil to calm down, and then he’d make his move. In the meantime, waiting for _James fucking Olson_ to make the wrong move would just have to do.

* * *

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Honestly!” Allison was agitated, “I’m going to kick his ass.”

Neil snorted, “No need for that. It was a confusing night, Ally. For me at least. I never told him no and I went along with him, I think. It wasn’t all James’ fault.”

“Fuck it isn’t. This is, like, some rape shit or something.”

“What are you talking about? It wasn’t rape. I’m fine. Come on, Allison. Don’t make me regret telling you. I only wanted to talk and, um, get some advice.”

“Advice? About what, Neil?”

There had only been a handful of times Neil witnessed Allison lose her cool. After Seth’s death, in the Baltimore hotel room, when they won the championship that first year, at the upperclassmen’s graduation party. And _right now_. She looked bewildered and so angry that Neil was happy that James wasn’t around. Her long, manicured nails would have caused him some trouble.

“Calm down, Ally. We talked about it, James and I. He didn’t understand, he couldn’t tell. He was sorry,” Allison rolled her eyes and Neil scoffed, “he is really sorry. That’s not really the problem, though.”

Allison gave out a bitter laugh, “Not the problem, he says. So, tell me, what is the 'real' problem?”

“He's been acting all crazy whenever Andrew is mentioned. And if he is not mentioned, James mentions him himself. And then he gets all ‘ _Oooh, he wants you back. Oooh, you’re using me,_ ’” Neil mimed quotation marks with his hands, “he gets angry, blames Andrew, blames me. He's getting too aggravated. We’ve only been dating for two months, Allison. Is this normal?”

Allison didn't respond, only looked at Neil with narrowed eyes.

“Aren’t you gonna say something, Ally?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Neil. Does he hit you, too? This is, like, Joe Goldberg level crazy.”

“Who's Joe Goldberg?”

“Oh, my god, Neil. We watched ‘You’ together, remember? You were criticizing Joe’s stalking abilities.” Allison patted Neil’s shoulder. “And now you’ve got yourself a little Joe. How prophetic of you.”

Neil groaned, “He isn't stalking me. He is just jealous of Andrew.”

“Well, he is an insecure little shit. Correction, insecure tall shit. Just drop him on his ass and move on. It’s only been a few months. Jesus. He’s like imprinted on you or something.”

“I mean, he is not wrong about Andrew, though.”

“Neil! What the hell are you talking about? Don’t you remember how Seth acted all jealous when you first showed up? You thought that he was an asshole. Did you want me to end up with him?”

“He was an asshole. Regardless of the jealousy issue. James is not. He is just a bit insecure right now because of Andrew. And Andrew is doing whatever he can to rile him up.”

“Are you just going to sit here and defend James? Then why are you asking for my opinion, Neil? It looks like you’ve figured it all out. I think you have battered woman syndrome or some shit.”

“He really likes me, Allison. He told me that he was falling in love with me. And all I’m doing is pushing him away. I don’t understand why my body acts like it doesn’t want him, because I like him, Allison. Perhaps Andrew being here has been messing with my body’s functions or something?”

Allison buried her face in her hands. “I’ve aged ten fucking years just listening to you talking bullshit. You wanted my opinion, honey? Here it is. _One_. James is an insecure, jealous, abusive little bitch. Nothing, and I mean _nothing_ , not even Andrew fucking you in front of his eyes, can justify his actions. _Two_ _._ He can’t turn you on. I think you’re confusing ‘like’ with ‘want’, baby. You’ve liked people only as friends after the Monster, so when you like someone kinda romantically, you automatically assume that you’ll be sexually attracted to them, too. Umm, that’s not how it works, honey. You can like someone romantically, but not sexually. That’s a thing, too. Just because you liked Andrew both ways, it doesn’t mean you’ll be interested in James the same way. Acknowledge it. You probably won’t be attracted to him sexually, ever. If he were a decent human being, I would advise you to give it a go, but he isn't, so I won’t. _Three_. It’s okay that you don’t understand all the details of your sexuality. You’re just experiencing it as it comes. I’m not going to blame James for not understanding it, either. He is gay, so he wants you to be gay. But I’m totally accusing him of forcing you. That’s not healthy, Neil. He is not _hearing_ you. He sees that you’re not aroused and he fucking grinds against you again and again? _Not okay_ . I'm not even going to mention the other shitty stuff he did. You asked me if it was normal? No, baby, it’s not. And this whole situation has nothing to do with Andrew, either. You’re not _there_ yet, sexually, with James, and he doesn’t want to wait. That’s all there is to it.”

Allison paused and flipped her hair casually, like this conversation bored her, even though she had been the only one speaking. Neil hadn’t had the courage to mutter a word.

“You asked for my opinion Neil, and you got it.”

“I sure did. _Op-in-ion-s_. Like, tons.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged, “You are lucky to have me. Can you imagine asking Matt for his help? Well, he'd just leave and beat the shit out of James, that’s what he’d do. Not show you the right way. You can beat James all on your own, you just have to know _why_ you need to do that.”

“Don’t mention any of this to Matt, please. James is still our teammate. I don’t want any problems between us,” Neil pleaded, “and I won’t beat James up.”

“Why not, though?”

“Because Allison, as you said, he doesn’t understand my situation. And he thinks I’m only ignoring him because Andrew is here. He doesn’t know any better.”

“Yeah, about that. There is one more point I must make, my dear. I’m not really saying that one is better than the other, but, considering that you had both sexual and romantic connections with _someone_ , perhaps there may be something lacking with James? Other then him being an abusive creep, obviously. Perhaps you can find someone that you can have it all with? I don’t know. The only thing we know is that you’re capable of both. So maybe, James isn't the one for you. Well, obviously not, but you get it. He could be, maybe in another world where he is a normal human being, but in here his needs are different from what you can give to him.”

“Yes, and I totally agree. But he doesn’t really know what I can give to him. It’s his decision.”

“And not yours? I’m sorry. I don’t get it. Why wouldn't you want something that would make your heart beat ten times faster _and_ turn you on? Also, why would you even think about getting back with the abusive shit?"

“I just want to explain this to James, it's not 'getting back together'. I need him to understand that it's not about Andrew. It never was. Also, I know I can have both, but no one is doing that for me now, is it?”

Allison winced but she kept muttering, “Nope, I will not acknowledge Andrew’s presence right now. Not today, Satan.” Then, she turned to Neil, “Well, I don’t know which one is the lesser evil, so I will not object. You'll do whatever you want to do, anyway. At least I can sleep better knowing that you kinda understand where you stand.”

Neil had a lot to think about, but not right now. Now he wanted to enjoy that his friend was there with him.

Neil clicked his tongue, “Allison. _Allison_. I don’t know what I’d have done without you. Honestly.”

“Aw, baby! We all know you would have been miserable. And a fashion faux pas.”

“Obviously. Thank you. For never shutting your mouth.” Neil smiled earnestly at her. She really was a good friend to him.

Allison giggled, “Now that your problems have been addressed, can we please talk about the couple I’d met? I told you last week, remember? Oh, my god. Neil. They're both so hot. Like, swoon. Ugh. Am I a throuple person, though? Would my talents be wasted? Don’t I deserve to be worshiped? _Neil_! Focus!”


	6. Deserving of You, Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Andrew have a little heart to heart, which only adds to Neil's problems.  
> James wants to talk, again, but is he willing to listen?  
> Matt is fed up with everyone being all silent and angry, so he turns to the only person who looks totally indifferent for answers.

“What is this?” Neil asked and he couldn't stop a smile forming on his face.

“This? This is nothing.”

Neil raised an eyebrow at Andrew. “Really?”

Andrew shrugged. “I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant was that it wasn’t an inconvenience to prepare. A blanket, some wine, some snacks. I wanted to go to the park after the practice, to read and hang out for a while. You should come.”

Neil looked at his feet, his expression solemn, “I’m not ready to talk, Andrew.”

“Neil.”

Neil raised his eyes. God. Why did Andrew’s eyes look so golden? It was such a beautiful color that Neil felt almost humbled in its presence.

Andrew continued, “I don’t want you to. Well, we'll talk, but I’m not looking for an answer. It’s you and me. We don’t need an agenda.”

And fuck if Neil’s heart didn’t pick up a couple of beats at that. Damn it.

Neil smiled sheepishly. “Yeah. Okay. Sure.”

Of course, this would be the exact time for James to walk towards them. “Neil!” He called out. Andrew tensed and crossed his arms but didn't move.

“James,” Neil welcomed him with a blank expression on his face.

“And what’s happening here?” James asked, trying to sound casual but failing terribly.

“Um, we’re just hanging out.”

“Huh,” James turned his furious gaze to Neil, “We need to talk.”

Andrew slowly walked forward, placing his body between Neil and James, “Olson.”

“Minyard, you always show up when you’re not wanted,” James snapped.

Andrew shrugged. “We’re leaving,” he said to Neil, then turned away and started walking to his car, leaving Neil and James alone, but not far enough that they were out of his sight.

Neil didn't meet James’ gaze, “Yeah, I’ll just–“

“Neil,” James talked in a low voice. “Please. We need to talk.”

“Yeah. I was planning to,” Neil sighed and rubbed his eyes, already tired of this. “Tomorrow?” 

James scowled. “Are you busy right now?”

Neil sighed again. God, this was so exhausting. “Yes, James. As you can see.”

“What the fuck are you doing with him, Neil? Seriously. Why do I have to find you with Andrew every time we have a fight? Are we done, Neil? Are you with Andrew again?” When Neil rolled his eyes and sighed loudly, James took a step back, his arms raised as if in surrender. “I’m honestly done fighting with you. I really don’t want to. It’s just- I can’t stomach you walking away with him, when I'm your…” James hesitated, “Um, your no-labels-love-interest, slash bad-boy, slash handsome protagonist,” and he gave Neil a small smile.

Neil couldn’t help but snort. “James. You are an idiot.” He shook his head, “I’m not walking away, and we’ll talk. Tomorrow. You can come over if you want?”

James’ eyes brightened. “Yes. Yeah,” he took a step towards Neil, as if to reach out. Suddenly, James’ gaze wandered away and focused somewhere over Neil’s shoulder. His smile died; lips narrowed. “Are you really free, though? Will you need a permission slip?”

“What?”

James shook his head, “Never mind. Tomorrow is fine. Is 7 okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you.”

James turned around and left, not looking back once.

It turned out to be a perfect day to leisurely lay under the shadows of a large oak tree; the sun was shining, the sky was clear, laughing children were running around the playground, a few teenagers were dancing to the music, and the picnic tables were filled with friends and families. Neil finally found himself relaxing; the tumultuous times were not over, but just for a few minutes he almost forgot everything. There was no Exy, no debts or Moriyamas, no James or confusion, no obligations, or the need to run. Only the wet smell of grass mixed with cigarette smoke and cologne, the distant sounds of laughter along with a faint rustle of pages turning right next to him, the green of the trees, the blue of the sky and the light gold of hair glistening in the sunshine.

When a car honk disturbed the loud silence Neil had created in his mind, reality came crashing down. Neil stole a glance at Andrew. He was reading a book, his glasses at the end of his small nose, the tip of his pink tongue was poking out just a little bit over his bottom lip in concentration. What was Neil doing here? With Andrew, of all people? How could he fall back into the easy ways of the past so quickly? Why was he so ready to return here, right next to Andrew, as if he belonged here?

“Staring,” Andrew said, his lips curved at the corners.

Neil huffed.

Andrew folded the corner of the page over and put the book down. His gaze was now focused on Neil. “What’s on your mind?”

“Anything. Everything. I don’t know. Why am I here Andrew?”

“For a quick bite. To relax. To sunbath. For anything and everything.”

“No, I was asking myself that question. Why am I here? Why is silence so comfortable with you? Why did I choose to come here when I should be doing other things? I have things to do, you know. And yet, I’m here. And I don’t know why.”

“Neil,” Andrew’s eyes were almost loving, something Neil had never seen before. He suddenly wanted to cry. Why did Andrew have to change without him experiencing it by his side? Andrew was already more vocal than Neil had ever known. This Andrew _talked_ ; about his life, his feelings, his wants, and his needs. What else was new? Who was this person?

“I don’t know you anymore.”

“You are the only one who does, Neil.”

“I feel like I'm stuck in time. Nothing really changed for me. Only made a few new friends and I can now spend more time on Exy. That’s it. I still vent to Allison. Dan and Matt still baby me. I go home, prepare some dinner, watch some stupid show, sleep. I wake up, I run, I go to practice. I’ve never dated, well, until recently,” Neil smiled guiltily, but it quickly died. “The nightmares are still here. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with the need to run away that I lock myself in the bedroom. I didn’t feel like this until you showed up. I thought that I was getting better. I told you that I was living now, not surviving. But you showed up and you’re so different and almost at peace-”

Andrew’s expression didn’t change, his eyes didn’t waver or lose any emotion. He only waited for Neil to continue.

“You’ve changed. You’ve grown. I had already been feeling undeserving of you. Now, I feel like a total phony. I don’t even know who I am, Andrew. I don’t know what I like, what I want, what I don’t want. Only the things people tell me. They tell me why I’m feeling the way I am feeling, they tell me what I seem to want or don’t. Only then do some things make sense. I wasn’t a real boy, and I’m not a real adult. I'm truly nothing, Andrew. I'm no one. Still.”

Andrew shook his head. He took a few minutes to stare at Neil, then started talking. “Allison wouldn’t let anyone vent to her. She was friendly with many people but never a friend for more than a handful. Dan and Matt have adopted you since day one. When something funny happens, Matt looks at you first. To laugh with you, Neil. Every single member of the team runs to you when you guys win a match. I will not partake in that in the future if that’s okay with you, though. The coach adores you. The PR people hate you because you're still the hotheaded, smart-mouthed shit you’ve always been. Kevin is obviously obsessed; I was never able to stop him from talking about you. You also do so many things, Neil. You volunteer. You go on holiday with your friends. You travel the world. You fought your father, your father’s people, the fucking Japanese mafia and won. Yeah, sometimes life is boring and repetitive and feels empty. But you aren't nothing. You never were. You're everything to everyone, Neil. You’re definitely not undeserving. Everybody else is. Me, the most. But after everything that has happened, you still can find it in your heart to come here and sit with me. It’s fucking humbling. Did I change? Yes, at least I tried to. For you. To be deserving of _you_ , you idiot.”

Neil didn’t- couldn’t reply. They kept staring at each other, minutes easily passing by. There was nothing and no one else in the world. There was only the smell of the grass, the green of the trees, the blue and hazel of their eyes.

* * *

James arrived at seven pm sharp the next day, looking a little uncomfortable. Dinner was already ready, because Neil didn’t have the patience to cook, not when everything was way too confusing, and Neil couldn’t really concentrate. They ate in complete silence, stealing glances at each other but not uttering a word. After the meal was thankfully over and everything was cleaned, Neil finally decided to face James head-on.

“James, I’d like to talk about that night. About what happened.”

James looked unhappy. “I thought we were over that shit?”

Neil couldn’t help but feel agitated, this certainly wasn’t the best way to start this disconcerting discussion. “It’s not _shit_ , but yeah. You didn’t realize how I was acting, that I was frozen, and I didn’t explain myself to you. That’s what I’ll try to do. I feel we should talk about my–”

“I didn’t realize there was even something to be realized, Neil,” James huffed.

Wow. Apparently, James would continue to be an asshole about it. Neil was already getting tired again.

“But you noticed that I wasn’t getting aroused. It frustrated you.”

“Yes, you weren’t getting hard. But I didn’t forcefully take your hand or put my dick into your mouth.”

Neil really wanted to punch James again, but he was adamant to explain his thoughts. Even if _this James_ didn’t deserve it, his friend of three years needed to hear what Neil had to say.

“I didn’t say no, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“Yes, of course, it’s what fucking I’m getting at. Okay, sure, I get you’re thinking that you weren’t into it. _I_ didn’t feel like you weren’t into it, though, but okay, I get it.” James didn’t even have the decency to look remorseful. “If I thought even for one second that you didn’t like it, I would have stopped,” he rushed to add, like a last-minute thought.

Neil was baffled. “I’m not blaming you, James. Don’t you fucking try and blame me.”

“I’m not. Fuck. It was just such a disappointment, Neil. I wanted you so fucking much. It felt so fucking good. And suddenly I'm the bad guy and you're telling me that you never wanted any of that. Can you see how troubling that is? Like it’s all my fault,” James whined.

“Are you really talking about how disappointed _you_ were?” Neil shook his head. “Anyway. I told you it’s not all your fault. That’s what I’m trying to explain here.”

James suddenly raised his hand, stopping Neil, “I want you. Is that going to be a problem?”

“No. And I like you. But I can’t make myself want you like that. It doesn't work like that.”

“So, you don’t want me?” James asked, an eyebrow raised.

“Well, define ‘want’. I find you attractive but sexually I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I ever will be. Maybe it’s beca-”

James interrupted, his eyes narrowed, and he pursed his lips dangerously. “Huh. _You don’t know if you’ll ever be_ ,” James paused and frowned, “I remember you telling me you’ve had sex with Andrew, though. Did you give him a good talking to, as well? Did he ‘force himself on you’, too?”

Neil was seething. Perhaps, this conversation was a really bad idea. “ _James_. For the love of everything that is holy, stop bringing Andrew into the conversation. I am trying to explain myself to you. Seriously. This isn't like you. I’ve known you for years. You always listen. You’ve always accepted me for who I am. Why are you acting so different right now?”

“Because I don’t like to be fooled,” James was clearly agitated, waving his hands around wildly, “I don’t like being lied to. One day you like sex, the next day you don’t. Your sexual orientation has been changing like the wind. I told you not to get involved with me to get back at Andrew.”

“You are making so many fucking false accusations right now that I don’t even know where to start. But I’m not going to argue with you. I’ll explain myself to the best of my abilities, and it’s on you if you don’t want to take my word for it.” Neil said through gritted teeth.

James scoffed. “You are so calm. So _zen_. Wouldn’t you care if I just get up and leave? Would you just give up on us like that?”

Neil took a breath, trying to calm himself down. “If you think I’m lying about something this big, then yes.”

“How can that be so easy? I don’t understand. Doesn’t this–” he motioned between them, “–mean anything to you? So, what? Are you just going to run back to…” James froze. Then he shook his head as if a realization dawned on him and started working himself up into a rage. “Wait. Are you fucking Andrew behind my back, Neil?”

“ _Jesus fucking Christ_.” Neil pinched the bridge of his nose. He just _gave up_. There was no reasoning with James. 

“You are, aren’t you? That’s why you accused me. You didn’t want Andrew to find out, so suddenly it wasn’t consensual. My God. I’m so stupid.”

“This is crazy. You're acting crazy. Stop with this bullshit, right now.”

“You are making me crazy! This _hurts_. I turn around for one second and you’re with Andrew. _Andrew_ , Neil! The fucker who left you years ago. And now you're just making eyes at him and following him around like a lost puppy. You fucked him but you don’t want me. You know I care about you, that I’m falling in love with you, but you're acting like it doesn't mean anything. I think you’re everything and he thinks you’re nothing, and yet you choose him,” James was shouting now.

“I honestly don’t think this is working. You are not listening. I don’t know how to reach you.”

“I’m right here, Neil. You're the one who’s running away.”

Neil got up from his chair, took a step towards James, his arms crossed. He stared down at James.

“You’re obsessed with the idea of me going back to Andrew. It’s not getting us anywhere. I am tired of having the same fight over and over again. I told you that I wanted to give this a chance, to see where this could go. I told you my history with Andrew had nothing to do with us. I told you that I liked you. You did some fucked up shit, yet I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt and fucking explain why I felt what I felt. And it’s still not enough. I can’t give you more, James. If you’re not willing to take what I can offer, there's no need to talk anymore. I don’t want to lose you, not all that we have. So, it’s better if you just leave now. We can try to salvage whatever friendship we have left and go from there.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” James said, shaking his head in disbelief.

Neil shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not doing anything, but if it makes you feel better, you can blame me. You already do, for everything else, so this won’t be much of a difference, right?” He didn't sound bitter or judging. It wasn't a taunt, just plain acceptance. Neil could see that it was driving James crazy.

James rose from his seat, too, and now he was towering above Neil. Neil looked up but didn't take a step back, didn't avert his eyes, and neither did James.

“Oh, _fuck off_ , Neil. You tried to prove to yourself that you could move on. I was just there, such an easy target. But when Andrew came, you realized you couldn’t. You’re not over his fucking stupid ass. I was just collateral damage in your fucked-up reconciliation dance with Andrew. You knew that you wouldn’t get intimate with me, and yet you led me on. You played me like a damn fiddle.”

Neil thought if he should be afraid of this James, but he couldn’t bring himself to. James wouldn’t hurt him, and if he tried, Neil _sure as fuck_ wasn’t going to let him. “I said my piece. I’m done. You can leave.”

James didn’t leave, there was something in his eyes, and it was unnerving. Neil wasn't going to be the first one to resort to violence, but James was forcing his hand.

“James,” Neil warned. “Let’s just take a step back. We shouldn’t do something we’ll regret later.” Neil wasn’t going to do anything if he wasn't provoked, but James needed to fucking calm down and leave, like, _yesterday_.

“Neil,” James continued with a sardonic smile, “you know that I won’t ever hurt you. Even if you are fucking killing me.”

“I’m not afraid of you, James. I’ll see you tomorrow at practice.”

“Didn’t you want to salvage things? Why not start now?”

Neil never had to talk this much to convince someone to leave. Usually, either the person left on their own volition, or was thrown out bloodied and bruised. Suddenly, he was devising the right way to hit James and not cause any more damage than required. This was crazy, because _it was James_ , for God’s sake, and not an enemy. But James was currently blurring the thin line between friend and foe very quickly.

Neil could not figure out what James was thinking, for the life of him. “I’ll see you tomorrow at practice. Goodnight,” he repeated.

Before either of them could move, the doorbell rang. They both turned to the door, as if they could see who was standing on the other side.

“Hmm, I wonder who that could be?” James nodded to himself knowingly. Neil didn’t have a clue, though.

So, it was an understatement to say that Neil was startled to find a tense and troubled Andrew standing at the door. James popped his head from behind Neil, and sneered, “Ah, the man of the hour.”

Neil sighed, “Now isn't a good time, Andrew.”

Andrew wasn’t looking at him, though. He was eyeing James carefully, sizing him up.

James flashed a grin so fake that Neil flinched. “Aren’t you gonna come in, Andrew?”

Oh, boy, this wasn’t going to end well.

“No,” Neil raised his voice. “James was leaving as well. I don’t want any more company tonight. I’ll see you both tomorrow,” he turned to James and raised his eyebrows, waiting for him to get the fucking clue and get moving.

James rolled his eyes dramatically. “Yes, I was just leaving,” he said and got out of the apartment. As he was walking towards the elevator, he turned on his heels and yelled back, “Hey, Andrew!” Andrew was watching him leave. “Good luck, man. He is a handful,” James mocked a two-finger salute.

Andrew was already reaching for his knives. “Don’t,” Neil said, his voice low, “He's just very angry. That’s not who he really is.”

Andrew only hummed and waited for James to finally disappear into the elevator. Only then did he turn his intense gaze to Neil. “Everything okay?” he asked.

Neil was exhausted. James and the things they had lost, Andrew and the things they weren’t talking about, _anything and_ _everything_ , were weighing on him. “What are you doing here, Andrew? You knew that he was coming over to talk.”

Andrew huffed, “I needed to make sure that he was following my instructions.”

“What?”

Andrew didn’t reply, only shrugging his shoulders in an easy dismissal.

Neil scrunched his eyebrows in despair. “Whatever. I don’t want to know. I’m really tired, Andrew. Just go, okay?”

Andrew nodded. “Goodnight, Neil.”

“Goodnight, Andrew.”

Neil closed and locked the door, dragged himself to his bedroom, and threw himself onto the bed with his clothes on. The relief he felt for this nightmare of a night finally ending carried him to sleep in just a few minutes. But he fought with real nightmares, though, of Baltimore, of his father, of James and Andrew, all night long.

* * *

“What the fuck did you do, Minyard?” Matt asked as he slipped into the seat next to Andrew. He knew that Andrew favored this coffee shop. He’d been coming here to read and do whatever the hell he was doing. This would be the perfect place to ambush him. Not that being in public would stop Andrew from stabbing him, but perhaps it would give Matt a few extra seconds to flee, unscathed.

But he was willing to take his chances, because Matt was sick of this whole situation. No one was talking to him. Neil either didn’t answer his phone or replied back only in one-syllable words. Dan hadn’t been able to reach him, either. Allison knew stuff, but she had stayed silent and was adamant that this was Neil’s story to tell, which was also fucked-up in itself, because what had happened to Allison, and who the fuck was this person so concerned about privacy? James was too furious even to approach, he only spoke up to bark demands to the backliners and dealers, as if everything that had gone wrong in his life was their fault. So that left only Andrew, who didn’t act out, didn’t look angry or happy, and he only watched Neil with what Matt thought was determination and James with wary.

Oh, everything felt like one big problem. Matt needed to know what was happening.

“Boyd,” Andrew welcomed him with indifference. This was interesting. Was Andrew going to allow Matt to sit here without a fight?

“I want to know what happened, Andrew.”

Andrew cocked his head, “And what could that possibly mean?”

“With Neil and James… and you, obviously.”

Andrew returned his gaze to his book. “Nothing.”

“Okay, look, let me lay it all out for you. First, I thought you punched James or whatever. But the way Neil acted told me that something else was going on. He didn’t ignore you any more than necessary but totally avoided James. So, something must have happened there. Now Neil is all first-year-PSU stage withdrawn, James is angry and you're- well, you're the same of course. Nothing phases you.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow, “It sounds like a you problem, Boyd.”

“They're my friends, Andrew. I want to talk to them. But I don’t want it to look like I'm taking sides, either. Everything was fine until you showed up and now it’s a mess.” Matt didn’t know how to ask this so he forced the words out, “Did, um, did Neil cheat on James or something?”

The _'With you’_ was obviously implied and Andrew’s eyes narrowed. Oh, fuck. This definitely wasn’t going to end well.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Boyd? Does Neil seem the cheating type to you?”

“Well, obviously not. But why is James so angry, then?”

“And that sounds like a him problem. I don’t care why, Boyd. That asshole can go and fuck himself.”

_Just great_ , everyone was angry, apparently. Suddenly, a lightbulb went on in his head.

“So… Something happened between James and Neil, which ended in a fight, or a punch at least. You know what and it angers you, because- Because you're protective of Neil.” Matt paused as to gather his thoughts, “Shit. James hurt Neil or tried to. Did he say or do something, Andrew?”

“I don’t have the specifics and James should be thankful for that. It'd be better for everyone if he keeps his mouth shut and fucking wandering hands away from Neil,” Andrew said harshly.

“Fucking hell,” Matt ran a hand over his face.

“If I were you, Boyd, I’d choose the side of the only person who deserves it, though."

Matt only nodded. That seemed enough for Andrew, as he stared at Matt for a few more seconds, then slowly got up and left without stabbing anyone. It was almost a friendly interaction for them.

Matt knew he had to talk to Neil but didn’t want to run to his apartment and demand shit. Instead, he decided to text the redhead.

> **_Neil. I know something happened with James, and I’m here if you want to talk about it._ **  
>  **_Or, you know, if you needed to kick his ass or something._ **

Three dots appeared and then disappeared a few times.

> **_Matt, I don’t know what you think has happened, but it's nothing._ **   
>  **_James and I aren’t in a good place right now._ **   
>  **_But it’s our friendship and we’ll deal with it._ **   
>  **_Don’t do anything._ **

> **_Of course, I won’t if you don’t want me to._ **   
>  **_But we can talk. Anytime._ **  
> 

> **_Yes, I know._ **  
>  **_I’m just tired._ **  
>  **_I am the only one acting like an adult, can you believe that?_ **

Matt laughed loudly. No, he couldn’t really believe that.

> **_Neil. My boy. Of course, you are._ **  
>  **_Come to dinner tomorrow?_ **

> **_Yeah, sure._ **  
>  **_Later, Matt._ **

> **_Later, Neil._ **


	7. Wish I Had a River

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James needs to think before he talks.  
> Neil needs to think about what he wants.  
> Andrew needs to admit that he needs something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE WE GO! This is the end, folks.
> 
> Once again, huge thanks to [@erosandhades](/users/erosandhades/) and SeasonalStress for their perfect, perfect work to turn this into something somewhat readable.
> 
> Thank you all so much for all the comments and kudos and definitely for all the love. You guys are the greatest!
> 
> Enjoy!

“What the fuck? Andrew, stop!” Neil yelled, ran towards Andrew, and grabbed him off James. Andrew was still throwing punches and he flinched under Neil’s touch, but didn’t try to free himself from Neil’s arms.

James was lying on the floor, his arms covering his face, his mouth and nose bloody. Yet he didn’t stop shouting. “Motherfucker! I’ll fucking kill you!” 

Their coach got out of his office, his face shocked and furious. “What the fuck is going on here?”

James slowly got up. He spat blood and glared at Andrew. “He fucking attacked me, Coach. Just like that. Fucking asshole,” his voice was venomous.

“You shouldn’t run your mouth, Olson. It’s time someone shut you up,” Andrew gritted out.

Neil finally let him go, once he was sure that Andrew wouldn’t attack again.

“Fuck you, Miny-” James started but Coach interrupted.

“Alright, alright. Enough. Josten. Take Minyard out and do not come back here. Olson. Go get dressed. I don’t want to hear any more from either of you. Tomorrow, you’ll arrive as if nothing has happened and I won’t bench anyone. Is that clear?”

“Yeah, Josten. Get your fucking _fuckbuddy_ out of here,” James said, spiteful.

Before Andrew could launch himself forward again, Matt stood in his way and faced James, his arms crossed. “I think you should just shut the fuck up, Olson,” he said angrily. James only let out an exasperated snort.

“I said enough! I only want to hear a ‘yes, coach’ from all of you, unless you want to run two fucking extra laps,” Coach said, “right now!”

“Yes, coach,” they all yelled in unison.

“Good. You are dismissed. Get the fuck out now, all of you.”

Neil silently nodded thanks to Matt, who gave a little smile back but stayed put to block James’ view. Neil followed Andrew to his Maserati and got into the passenger seat. Andrew shifted the car into drive even before Neil’s door was closed, his hands grabbing the steering wheel so tightly that they were blanched around the bloody knuckles. 

“What the fuck was that?” Neil finally asked, as he watched fury roving around Andrew’s usually stoic expression.

Andrew gave Neil a side-eye. 

“He talks too much. I don’t know how you put up with him. He should know better not to provoke me by now.”

Neil rolled his eyes. 

“What did he say?” He asked.

When Andrew didn’t answer, Neil huffed out a tired breath, “I know it’s about me. Tell me.”

Andrew waited a full minute before answering, as to calm himself down enough to repeat James’ words. 

“He wanted to know if you were honest with me. About what you did with him. He told me we could have a heart to heart, you know, to discuss the _actual_ details,” he said, shaking his head in apparent disgust.

“What the– Has he lost his mind? This is crazy. Really.”

“He has no right to talk about you. Not to me, not to anyone. If today wasn’t enough, I’ll punch this into his brain again and again, until he gets it.”

“I just don’t understand how he could turn into such a vindictive, angry person. He’s one of my best friends, Andrew. You know that I don’t make friends easily. He’s normally so open and understanding. I think he is just so obsessed with– uh, you know,” Neil hesitated to elaborate.

“What? You?”

“Well, no. More like, with the notion of me going back to you. Choosing you over him. He can’t really accept that I was, um, intimate with you but froze when I was with him. So he somehow blames you for everything that went down between us. And me, of course. Apparently, I was lying to him. My sexuality has nothing to do with my lack of, uh, desire – and I quote – that ‘my sexual orientation changes like the wind’,” Neil tried to explain.

However, it seemed like Andrew only heard what he wanted to hear. “You froze. He didn’t stop. That’s why you punched him.”

“… Yeah, something like that.”

Andrew stepped on the gas pedal a little more and stayed silent.

“Andrew, you’re not going to do anything. It’s over. We are over, James and I. As you can see. Nothing else needed to be said or done,” Neil said.

Andrew shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. He can’t touch you without your permission. He should pay.”

“He paid. I punched him. You fucking punched him only a few minutes ago.”

Andrew only hummed with indifference. 

“I get why you punched him, but– Your interference doesn’t really help,” Neil said after a few minutes.

“Help with what?”

“I specifically asked you not to do anything, Andrew.”

“And I didn’t, Neil. I didn’t talk about James with you. I didn’t ask you to respond to my apology. I didn’t want anything other than talking to you, or be close to you, as long as you are comfortable with that. I’ll apologize if you think that I didn’t respect your boundaries. But I won’t lie to you, either–” Andrew looked away from the road and turned his gaze to Neil for a few seconds. “I visited James, told him to watch himself and if he tried to hurt you again– well, he won’t hurt you again. It’s non-negotiable. But it’s about me, really, not you. I never told him that you are mine, though, that you are my ‘thing’, like I used to do. You just don’t deserve to be hurt, not because of my misplaced sense of belonging, but because no one deserves to be hurt like that. So, of course it means something to me that it’s _you_ he’d hurt, but also it doesn’t matter. He only needed to know that he’s being watched.”

“I understand that, Andrew. But I asked you not to do anything, yet you did. So, what does that tell me?”

Andrew took a few minutes to think about that. Neil looked out of the window for those minutes, noticing the view pass quickly by the window, all flashing colors and motion right before his eyes, and the familiarity of it all was not missed by him. Being in a car, driving nowhere, with Andrew by his side and comfortable silence between them, even if it was charged now with the tension of whatever Andrew was going to say. He waited though, like he used to do back at Palmetto, and when Andrew spoke again, he turned his eyes back to him.

“I think that both you and I are in the wrong, Neil. I’m at fault, because I didn’t listen to you. And you’re in the wrong, because…” Andrew stopped, his eyes squinted as in deep thought. “Fuck, I don’t know why you might be. I believed that you were wrong because he did something and yet you tried to make amends with him. In my book, that made you weak and vulnerable. But I don’t really know _why_ you even tried. Perhaps you were trying to reach him, try to make him understand the problem with his ways. Or perhaps you decided that it was okay for you. Why would that make you weak? Who am I to judge? Yet I judged you according to my own notion of righteousness. _Shit_.”

Neil scoffed, “Yeah, exactly. I knew something happened that night when he, uh, didn’t stop. But I never told him no, Andrew. It’s difficult to comprehend, because I’d always asked or given my permission verbally, before him. With you. I didn’t know what the silence meant to James. Yet, it’s not easy to let him off the hook, either, because _who the fuck_ doesn’t realize that there’s no response from the person you’re fooling around with? I know that it was wrong, or at least it didn’t feel right for _me_ , regardless of James’ thought process. So, what I think is that there are a lot of interpretations of right or wrong. But if we ask each other for something, the other one should honor it. It should be _our right_ , Andrew. The reality or validity of it is not important. So yeah, you should’ve respected my wishes.”

“ _Our_ right? You use possessive pronouns _so freely_ , Neil.”

“It was intentional,” Neil snickered. Andrew’s lips twitched. They were almost laughing, in their own language. They sat in silence afterward but Neil didn’t want to be buried in his thoughts about James or his accusations, or what this conversation meant to him, not anymore.

“Give me your phone,” Neil said instead and Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Don’t worry, I will not go through it. I just want to listen to some music.”

“I don’t care if you do,” Andrew said, handing over his phone. 

Neil found the Spotify app to look at Andrew’s playlists. What he had found in there, though, was a bit puzzling.

“Um, Andrew? Why is there a playlist here named ‘Neil’? There is– uh, there is only one song in it.”

Andrew didn’t respond. His eyes narrowed as he continued to look at the road ahead. However, the faintest brush of pink bloomed across his face and the tips of his ears. Neil bit his lip not to smile.

“Can we listen to it?” He asked and Andrew gave a stiff nod.

“I didn’t know Robert Downey Jr. could sing, though.” Neil added absentmindedly and pressed play.

_It's coming on Christmas,_  
_They're cutting down trees,_  
_They're putting up reindeer,_  
_And singing songs of joy and peace,_  
_Oh, I wish I had a river…_

“Is this a Christmas song?” Neil asked, confused.

“It’s a reminder.” 

Neil couldn’t understand what Andrew meant, what this song could possibly be reminding–

_He tried hard to help me,_  
_He put me at ease._  
_Lord, he loved me so naughty,_  
_Made me weak in the knees._

_Oh, I wish I had a river,_  
_I could skate away on._

_I'm so hard to handle,_  
_I'm selfish and I'm sad._  
_Now I've gone and lost the best baby,_  
_That I ever had._

_Oh, I wish I had a river,_  
_I could skate away on…_

Neil turned his wide-eyed gaze to Andrew, “ _Oh_.”

Andrew gave a small, sardonic laugh. 

Now it was Neil’s turn to blush, although it was nothing like the lovely pinkness Andrew had adorned. Neil was burning up, flushed red from his neck to the roots of his hair.

They didn’t speak again, until Andrew parked in front of Neil’s building. Even though his coloring hadn’t faded, it was still the most comfortable silence Neil had experienced since the last time he had shared cigarettes and stolen kisses on the rooftop of Fox Tower.

* * *

“Kevin called me last night,” Neil said, his voice loud. He was lying on Andrew’s couch, looking absentmindedly at the National Geographic show that was currently on tv. Andrew was in the kitchen, preparing their drinks.

“What did he want?” Andrew called out from the kitchen, then slowly walked into the living room with two cups in his hands.

For the last few weeks, they had settled into a new routine. They’d had lunches together, gone to the park, visited the shelter where Neil volunteered. Andrew even once had joined Neil for his morning run, but cursed himself all the way and back again, muttering ‘never again’ under his breath repeatedly. Neil cooked lasagna for Andrew, and Andrew always had fresh fruit in his refrigerator, just for Neil. Neil had stayed over at Andrew’s a few times, falling asleep on his couch, waking up with a pillow under his head and a blanket thrown over him. It was warm, it was homey, and Neil never wanted to leave. It was almost domestic, their new routine. Sure, there were some stolen looks and hooded eyes and brief touches, but nothing passionate enough to disrupt their easy and comfortable interactions.

Neil knew Andrew was waiting for something, although what that something was, Neil couldn’t tell. Maybe, Andrew wanted Neil to feel at ease, after the whole James mess. Maybe he didn’t want to touch Neil like James did, unwanted and unwarranted, taking whatever he felt was his right. Maybe he was waiting for Neil to say something, give him a response to his apology. Or maybe, just maybe, Andrew was fine with what they had right now and didn’t want this to move any further. A close friendship with honesty and trust, limits and boundaries set in place, with easy laughs and gentle conversations. 

So, Neil had taken his time to think and really understand what _he_ wanted, this time around. He wanted Andrew close; he wanted to talk to him, to laugh with him, - okay, he laughed and Andrew _almost_ smiled - to enjoy walks and dinners and stupid tv shows together. Everything was _fine_ as it was. But, did Neil want something more? Oh, he _fucking sure_ did. He wanted to remember how soft Andrew’s hair felt curled around his fingers, how hot his skin was under Neil’s touches, how smooth his lips felt against Neil’s lips. He wanted it _so fucking much_ that it was all he could think about. And if even the thought of these things made his breath hitch, his heart beat faster and his dick get embarrassingly hard, well, no one needed to know. Definitely not Andrew. 

“I said, what did he want?” Andrew repeated when Neil looked like he was lost in thought. Yeah, he was lost because now that he wanted _everything_ , whatever Andrew could give to him, it left no breath in his lungs and no words in his mind. Well, also, all the blood leaving your brain to be stored _somewhere very private_ all the damn time apparently did this to a person. How mortifying.

Neil shifted uncomfortably, tugged his feet under his legs, and pulled a pillow over his lap, just to save himself from further embarrassment. Then, he coughed unconvincingly, “Oh, yeah, sorry. My mind just blanked. Well, if you can believe it, he called to ask me about James.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Neil chuckled, “Apparently, James had reached out to them. He wants to be traded.”

Andrew sat down on the couch, handing a mug of hot earl gray tea to Neil. “Someone can’t take rejection well.”

“I don’t know what to do. I mean, our friendship meant a lot, but right now James doesn’t want anything to do with me. He thinks I chose you, and that’s that. Everything else between us just ceased to exist. I can’t really bring myself to push it though, because I don’t know if he will be a real friend or try to punish me for everything that’s happened,” Neil shrugged his shoulders.

“And what did you tell Kevin?”

“Oh, that he is a great striker. His stats are great.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I don’t know why I asked. Of course you told all about his stats, but not that he is a creep.”

“Andrew,” Neil sighed.

“Fine,” Andrew took a sip from his cup. “Kevin and James, huh? Well, at least Kevin can frustrate the hell out of him by constantly talking about us.” Andrew hummed, “So James will not be able to escape from me, even thousand miles away. I like where this is going.”

“Well, I wouldn't worry about the distance. I think that for someone who dislikes you so openly, James sure does spend a lot of time thinking about you. I mean, I have never heard someone talk about you this much. Not me. Not even Kevin, Andrew. _Not even Kevin_.”

“Huh. All six feet tall, black-haired, green-eyed strikers have a thing for me, then. Although, Kevin talks about you just as much, going on and on about how much you improved since college or how you could have leaned a bit to your right to score, blah blah. So they may have something for redheads as well, it seems.”

Neil shifted a bit in his seat. “And what do you prefer?” The words left his mouth before he could stop.

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?” Andrew said and Neil pouted like a little child.

“Didn’t I tell you something about searching for red curls and blue eyes all this time? Why are you asking me again?” Andrew continued, his eyes glinting mischievously, his expression stoic as always.

“Maybe after four fucking years, hearing it only once doesn’t mean shit?”

“Well, once in your life, you are totally right, and I have nothing to add to that, junkie. How does it feel?”

“Exhilarating. Life-changing.”

“Okay, then. Ask me. What do you want to know? I’ll tell you anything.”

“I don’t have to take my turn right now,” Neil said and Andrew’s lips twitched at this blatant reminder of old times. 

_Sometimes remembering hurt more than it had any right to,_ Neil thought as his heart constricted. The old times, huh. And they were _really_ old times.

Neil sighed. “Fuck. It has really been too long, hasn’t it? Four fucking years, Andrew.”

“Yes. Four fucking years of misery.” Andrew paused as to decide what to say next. “Shit. I wasn’t planning to bring this up tonight, but then you ask me what I prefer and I don’t know if you’re joking around or not and I’m just– _Shit._ Neil,” Andrew said his name softly, under his breath, almost like a prayer, “do you think that I can earn your trust back? Or are things too far gone?”

Neil was surprised. He wasn’t prepared to hear these words from Andrew, even though it was what he wanted all along. “What? Andrew. No– I mean, I don’t know.”

Andrew let out a long breath, “Can you forgive me, then? For being the coward that I was? For leaving you behind? For betraying your trust?”

“Andrew,” Neil’s voice was only a whisper, “I hope I can.”

Andrew leaned in, pressing his forehead to Neil’s. “It was stupid. I was stupid. _Neil._ You were never nothing. You’ve always been everything. And you deserve to hear how I truly feel. I _want_ you, Neil. I _need_ you. Now, and always.”

They were breathing together now, eyes closed, sighs hitched. Neil felt that Andrew was reaching out to touch his face, and even before Andrew could ask for a yes, Neil was already leaning into the touch. 

“Yes,” he muttered, just in case Andrew drew his hand away if he didn’t hear the word.

“Say yes to me, Neil,” Andrew said again after a few seconds. They both opened their eyes, looking at each other.

It was a different ‘yes’ Andrew was asking for. His gaze burned Neil’s, eyes hooded with hunger, lips half open with the desire to kiss, hands trembling with the need to grip. Neil didn’t need a mirror to see that his expression was reflecting Andrew’s. His whole body ached; he was shivering.

Even though he was hurt, and Andrew had hurt him; even though he had spent the last four years trying not to think about this blond, gorgeous man and failing terribly; even though he had promised himself again and again that he would never fall for someone who even slightly reminded him of Andrew; in reality, there has only been one answer and one truth for Neil.

So, Neil whispered his truth. 

“It’s always yes with you.”

Andrew’s eyes dipped to Neil’s mouth, getting darker by the second. Neil did not, _could not_ , wait any longer. He pressed his lips to Andrew’s in a searingly greedy kiss. Yet, it wasn’t just a kiss. It wasn’t just the meeting of mouths, clashing of lips, entanglement of tongues. It was finding again the part of you that has been missing for so long and saying _I’m so happy you’re home._ It wasn’t just normal, it wasn’t just extraordinary, it wasn’t just hot and messy and everything Neil had ever dreamed of when he dreamed about kissing Andrew again. _It was breathing life into Neil_. Exhilarating. Life changing. 

Neil finally felt alive again. After four years, he was alive.

Neil put everything he had ever felt into this kiss, and Andrew drank it in with urgency, despair, thirst, want and need. Neil ended with his hands tangled in Andrew’s hair, gripping, caressing, pulling, and getting reacquainted with the softens of the blond strands as his mouth abused Andrew’s infinitely. Andrew’s hands were all over the place, and everywhere he touched burned Neil’s skin in the best of ways. In the timeless quality of their kiss, somehow they stood as pressed to each other as two people could when they were sitting side by side, and soon that began to be too little, and Andrew pushed Neil onto his back, following him down right after. 

With the movement they parted their kiss. For a couple of seconds they just looked into each other’s eyes, their breaths quick, and if that had been their attempt to regain the air in their lungs, it backfired _tremendously_. Because Andrew’s hair was longer than it had been in a while, and the long strands were as gold as the shimmer in his eyes, so alive and cutting and soothing and Neil had never felt more _seen._ Because Andrew wasn’t even touching him anymore and still, he felt the thrum in his veins getting louder by the second, being fed up by the hunger in Andrew’s gaze. And maybe Andrew saw something like this in him as well, because then Andrew closed the distance between them again, and suddenly their _whole_ bodies were touching, Neil moaning with it, gripping Andrew’s hair with the force of the feelings assaulting him.

“Yes,” Neil breathed between kisses.

Andrew reached under Neil’s shirt, ran calloused fingertips down Neil’s abs, then scratched his fingernails up Neil’s stomach to his nipples, already sensitive and hard with arousal. Andrew studied Neil’s face carefully, was he looking for any kind of hesitation or just searching for Neil’s pleasure Neil didn’t know.

“Yes.”

This time, Neil didn’t need to overthink. He didn’t need to question his reactions, whether he was settling for normal or searching for extraordinary. Now, everything burned. Everywhere Andrew touched was ignited. As soon as Andrew’s light graze strayed away from his skin, Neil yearned for another. There were no skeptical thoughts, no aching for something different, no longing for another mouth, no itch to be somewhere else. There was only right here and right now and _Andrew, Andrew, Andrew._

Andrew’s fingers drifted slowly down back to Neil’s abdomen, following the light trail of hair. He hooked a finger into Neil’s belt loop and tugged.

“Yes.”

Andrew didn’t reach for the zipper right away, first, he grabbed the hem of Neil’s shirt and pulled it over his head. Andrew leaned down to suck the crook between Neil’s neck and shoulder, nibbling and biting into the flesh softly, leaving faint marks. His mouth trailed down his neck to his chest, finally finding its way to Neil’s hard nipple, and Neil gave out a guttural sound. His hands were on Andrew’s shoulders; caressing and stroking his soft skin, feeling the solid, sculpted muscles underneath.

Andrew’s hands moved again, he quickly unbuttoned Neil’s jeans, and reached into his boxers. Neil squirmed under Andrew’s touch, small moans escaping from his throat. Andrew’s caress dragged over Neil’s cock and his slit, squeezing out another drop of precome that Andrew rubbed his thumb across. Andrew licked his lips and Neil’s breath shuttered. Andrew pulled Neil’s jeans and briefs off, in one swift move.

“Yes.”

Andrew curled his fingers around Neil’s cock, his breath hot on the tip of it as he leaned down and brought his mouth closer. Neil almost lost his mind when Andrew’s tongue touched him. He moaned, groaned, shuttered, shivered. Every inch of his body was hot, taunt, pricking with need. Neil slid both hands through Andrew’s hair, cupping his head, softly tugging the blond curls he’d been dying to touch for so long, and now he couldn’t get enough of them.

Andrew wrapped his hand around Neil’s base and closed his mouth around Neil’s cockhead, giving a slow, decadent suck. Neil struggled to stay still, making incoherent sounds. Andrew sucked again and again, taking Neil deeper each time. Neil didn’t think that he could have gotten any harder, and yet he did. Andrew must have felt it on his tongue, because he finally made a sound, a low grunt escaping his throat, almost desperate.

Andrew sucked Neil deeper into his mouth, reaching to the base, and then back to the tip again. He teased, savored, tasted every inch of Neil. Just as Neil felt his abs tightening, his vision blurring, his head spinning and his climax nearing; Andrew released him. Neil’s cock slipped out of Andrew’s lips and bounced against his stomach in a desperate need to be satisfied. Neil whined and moaned in misery. This was torture.

Neil was just lying there, butt naked and Andrew was on his knees between Neil’s legs, his gaze intense, his eyes taking Neil in, starting from his legs up to his face. Neil squirmed, Andrew’s passionate scrutinization only helped his arousal mounting up to a degree that he almost couldn’t handle.

“Yes.”

Andrew got up and quickly yanked his pants and briefs off, pulled his shirt over his head in one smooth move. _Finally._ Neil looked at the gorgeous man, his gaze sweeping over Andrew’s broad shoulders, muscular chest, perfectly-chiseled abs, strong legs, and his hard cock flashing against his stomach. His mouth watered with hunger. Neil reached out to Andrew, because he wasn’t going to spend another second without touching him. He wrapped his arms around Andrew and pulled him close. Andrew let himself fall on Neil and nuzzle his nose into Neil’s neck.

Neil wrapped his legs around Andrew’s waist, grinding himself against Andrew’s cock. Andrew aligned himself over Neil so their cocks were settled against each other, then he took Neil’s hand and slid their hands between their bodies, grasping both their cocks in between intertwined fingers. Neil’s spine arched with a husky moan, Andrew bit his lip not to make a sound, yet his gaspy breaths loud enough. Andrew jerked them off slowly, squeezing with each stroke and making the pressure feel _so incredible_. They were both leaking, making it so fucking easy for their fists to slide over their slick cocks. Andrew’s mouth found Neil’s again, their lips crashing sloppily, urgently. Andrew bit into Neil’s bottom lip and Neil hissed. Andrew’s hot, wandering tongue slid between Neil’s lips, hungry and eager.

Neil's heart was pounding out of his chest, he was making filthy sounds into Andrew’s mouth that he’d have been ashamed of had he still possessed any coherent thoughts. He was shivering and shaking, he was breaking apart, he was coming undone.

Neil could feel his own release was imminent. He wanted to prolong the moment, to keep Andrew even closer, but it was impossible. It was so hot, so tight, there was so much skin, the smell of Andrew was filling his lungs, the sensation was electric and almost too powerful to bear...

Neil threw his head back and moaned Andrew’s name loudly over and over again as he spilled into their adjoined hands. Neil was probably sobbing from intense ecstasy, definitely panting under Andrew, his body soft and pliant and buzzing with euphoria.

Andrew buried his face in Neil’s neck. Neil could feel him nearing the edge of pure pleasure, following right after. “Neil. _Neil_. I– You– _Mine_ ,” Andrew growled, let out a deep groan and came all over Neil’s stomach, his whole body shaking. He slumped against Neil and Neil left small kisses on his neck, cheek and hair, over and over again.

“Andrew, that was…”

Andrew hummed, but he sounded hoarse. Undone.

They laid in each other’s arms for a few minutes before it became too uncomfortable. Andrew got up, went to the bathroom and brought back a wet towel to clean a blissed out Neil.

“I think my tea’s gone cold by now,” Neil said, smiling softly.

Andrew huffed as he tossed the now-dirty towel in the ground and tilted his head to lock his eyes with Neil’s. “I’m hungry now. I was thinking about ordering in. Indian?” 

“Yeah.” Neil waited for a second to continue, “Um, so, what happens now?” He asked as he bit his lip, feeling a bit vulnerable as he came down from his high. They were back on earth, crashing into reality and standing at a crossroad.

Andrew climbed on the sofa and took his place on top of Neil again, which he used to lean in to kiss Neil passionately. Then he kissed him again, and again. Neil sank into the kiss, letting his tongue slip into Andrew’s mouth and his arms cross on Andrew’s neck. His heart stuttered, a warm feeling blooming in his chest. 

“First shower. Then, Indian. Perhaps a few beers. We’ll watch some stupid shit. Then, bed. In the morning, you’ll run. I’ll prepare breakfast. We’ll go to practice. Come home. Do exactly what we did five minutes ago, but in bed. I haven’t planned the rest, yet,” Andrew answered as he tilted his head back to look at Neil’s face. “I’m not letting you out of my sight, though. Sounds good?”

It was better than Neil could ever imagine.

“Aren’t you gonna ask your cats about having me here all the time? I think we traumatized them, Andrew. I saw Sir running away when you moaned my name. You were _s_ _o loud_ ,” Neil said with a grin.

“Shut up,” Andrew said, his eyebrows furrowed but his eyes shining with amusement and fondness.

“Make me,” Neil replied around a cheeky and eager smile.

So Andrew shut Neil up, until it was time to moan and groan once again, dinner and beers and stupid tv shows all forgotten.

* * *

The music was so loud that Andrew couldn’t hear the man talking right next to his ear. He was saying something very animatedly but Andrew really didn’t care about the words coming out of his mouth. He just wanted to get the fuck out of this place and go home, as soon as possible.

“Did you hear me, Andrew?”

“Yes. Riveting. Do tell more.”

“Fuck you, asshole.”

“Kevin, we are literally standing right next to the speakers. Why are you trying to talk? Let's go back to the table,” Andrew yelled, trying to raise his voice above the music.

“And I’m _literally_ trying to tell you—” Kevin stopped and smiled a little too devilish for Andrew’s liking, but Andrew decided to ignore it. Kevin continued his shouting. “Nevermind. You’re right. Let’s go, then.” 

After minutes of pushing and elbowing herds of sweaty dancers, they finally found their table, however now it seemed that Neil was missing.

Andrew raised an eyebrow to Matt in question. Matt shrugged guiltily, “Allison and Neil went to get some drinks, dude. Don’t look at me like that.”

Kevin snickered and Andrew narrowed his eyes at the tall striker, “Is something funny?”

“Yes, Andrew. Very. That’s what I was trying to tell you before.”

Kevin pointed at the bar, where Allison stood with a guy who was leaning in to speak into her ear. Her expression was amused and she was nodding along to whatever the guy was whispering. That wasn’t a problem. The problem though, was finding Neil in the same position. He was standing right next to Allison, but his attention was on someone else. The guy leaning into Neil’s ear was tall, his jet black hair was slicked back, he was wearing a well-fitted leather jacket and skinny jeans that showcased his muscular, long legs. He was undeniably and unfortunately very hot. Andrew recognized the man who apparently had a death wish. _Joshua fucking Anders_. He was an offensive dealer for the Bears. What the fuck was he doing here and why the hell he was whispering to Neil? Andrew _really, really_ wanted to know.

Andrew decided to watch a few minutes before doing something stupid like hurting his poor knuckles on the tall man’s face. Neil didn’t look uncomfortable, so that was positive. Neil brought his lips close to the dealer’s ear to tell him something back, which was a very big no-no. Anders laughed, it was an eyes-closed and head-thrown-back kind of laugh, so that was another point lost. Neil smiled wholeheartedly but leaned back a little. Hmm, no points. Anders gazed into Neil’s eyes, a little too long. _Not good_. Neil’s smile waned. _Fuck, no_. Anders slowly reached and wrapped a finger around an unruly auburn curl, while still talking. It looked like he was now staring at Neil’s lips. Okay, Andrew had watched enough and the final score was that _Joshua fucking Anders_ was going _down_.

Andrew quickly made his way to the bar, where he found a twitchy Neil and a disconcerted Anders, standing apart. Neil had turned to the bar, waiting for the bartender to prepare his order. Anders was looking at the dancers with a blank stare. Andrew slid next to Neil, right between the two men. Neil didn’t even turn his head to look at Andrew, but a fond smile was already forming on his face. Fucking junkie knew instinctively who had arrived. And fuck if this didn’t make Andrew’s cock twitch. Andrew first had to focus on the problem at hand, namely _Joshua fucking Anders_ , so he gave the tall man a stare down from a few inches below. 

“Is there a problem here?” Andrew asked, to either of them.

They both shrugged. _Fucking hell_.

Andrew tried again, “Anders. Do you like stickball?”

The man looked confused and furrowed his brows, but answered anyway, “Exy? Yeah?”

Andrew wrapped a protective arm around Neil’s waist, and by the way Neil’s smile grew and turned smug, Andrew could guess that his junkie liked the gesture. _Idiot_. And with that, Andrew was suddenly sporting a raging boner. _Fuck._

Andrew had difficulty to remember that he was supposed to say something back to the tall dealer. He swallowed a lump in his throat. “If you want to continue to play your precious stickball, you should keep your hands to yourself, then. It’d be a shame if you lost a few fingers,” Andrew was able to say, finally.

Anders raised his hands in surrender. “Message received, man,” he looked at Neil over Andrew’s shoulder. “Just had to shoot my shot, you know?”

Andrew scoffed and shooed the man away with a small wave of his hand. “Move along, now.”

Anders gave a flustered smile. “Later, Neil,” he said as he left. The fucking _nerve_.

“ _Later, Neil_ ,” Andrew mocked after the man left. “I can’t seem to leave you alone for two fucking minutes before someone else swoops in my place.”

Neil gave a haughty laugh, “I’d already told him I wasn’t interested.”

“At least now you know where you’ll catch your ball from at the next Bears game. Bouncing from _Joshua fucking Anders_ ’ head, that’s where.”

Neil turned and faced Andrew, wrapping his arms around Andrew’s shoulders. Andrew responded by pulling him in by his waist. He was rock hard against Neil and it was very pleasing to find Neil in the same predicament as well. Neil squirmed and wiggled, probably to alleviate some pressure. But it had the opposite effect, as someone who wasn’t an idiot should have expected.

“Stay still,” Andrew said through gritted teeth.

“Uh. Yea,” Neil was almost panting and he sounded rather incoherent. _Fucking fuck_.

“Neil,” Andrew warned, “I’m not above blowing you in the fucking bathroom. You have thirty seconds to decide.” 

Neil looked wrecked, which was a good enough response.

Andrew had always known that Neil would be the end of him. There was no fucking way that Andrew could survive Neil; with his heavy-lidded blue eyes, his pink tongue darting out of his mouth to wet his plump lips, his lean body with defined muscles, his sharp-tongued, smart-mouthed, no-nonsense personality and his beautiful, beautiful scars… Yeah. Andrew was _gone._

Andrew snapped his fingers at Allison, “Hey, Paris Hilton. You’re in charge of the drinks.”

Allison took one look at them and rolled her eyes. “Oh, my God. You guys can’t keep it in your pants for five fucking minutes. Jesus.”

Andrew didn’t care what Allison was saying, really. He hooked a finger in Neil’s belt loop and pulled him forward. Neil flashed a shit-eating grin.

Yes, Neil would be the death of him, that much Andrew knew. And Andrew was going to die a happy, happy man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This's been FUN! Thank you for reading:)
> 
> Funny story: I'm not really big on song-inspired fics but when I was trying to name this one, I just couldn't get THIS SONG out of my head. I had fallen in love with it because 1. Robert Downey Jr. sang it in Ally McBeal as Larry Paul (one of my screen boyfriends) and the song stuck and it's so heartbreaking. 2. My name means river in Turkish so I felt like it was somehow speaking to me:)) THIS IS MY FIC AND IT HAS MY NAME IN IT. Deal with it. :)
> 
> Add me on twitter: [@irmakk](https://twitter.com/irmakk)  
> or  
> tumblr: [@irmakkockan](https://irmakkockan.tumblr.com/) (I've just started posting there again. - Today. I started today - I haven't been active SINCE 2011. Yeah, I'm old.)


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